The Fault in Our Stars(What if Hazel Died)

Chapter four

I sat in the front row listening to everyone laugh and cry over old stories about Hazel. When it came my turn to speak, everything went silent. I walked to the front and looked at Mr. and Mrs. Lancaster. They were crying and they looked like they had been through too much to say. I looked down at the paper in my hands and then I looked back at Hazel’s parents. I slowly folded the paper until it was small enough to fit into my pocket. Then I talked a bunch of nonsense. I babbled on about how we’ll all miss Hazel, about how she was a good person, I didn’t believe a word of it. I knew it was the right thing to do. My eulogy to Hazel was going to stay between us until I died. It was ours and ours alone. When the funeral was over, I went home and sat on my bed. My parents came in trying to cheer me up, trying to get me to eat, but I couldn’t do anything. It felt impossible to move, much less do anything. I kept on looking at my phone and computer screen expecting to see Hazel Grace reply to my emails and texts. It never happened. I took the car and told my mom and dad I was going for a drive. I tried to ignore their concerned glances my way. I drove to the gas station and got out. When I got in, I looked in the aisles for what I was looking for. When I found it I went up front and paid for it. Having bought it, I went outside and got in my car. For a second, I just stared at what I had just purchased. I threw it in the cup holder and drove off. By the time I got to the church, it was already 11:00 at night, way past the time I was supposed to be back home. I took what I bought and went to the front doors. I remembered the first time I had talked with Hazel right here. With shaking hands, I opened my box of cigarettes and placed one in between my teeth.

“It’s a metaphor,” I once said. “ You put the thing that does the killing in between your teeth but you don’t give it the power to kill you.” I wish I were still that strong. That I didn’t give it that power over me. I pushed the thought out of my mind and lifted the lighter I had bought at the gas station. My hands were shaking so badly, I had couldn’t light the cigarette. Suddenly a pair of headlights blinded me. The flame was still flickering calmly in its place. I heard my mom and dad get out and run towards me. Behind them, I see Mr. and Mrs. Lancaster. I looked from my parents to Hazel’s parents and something in me broke. I dropped the lighter and crumbled to the ground. I let the cigarette fall from my mouth as I began to cry. I cried for my Hazel Grace. I finally let myself mourn over her. I felt my parents put their arms around me and soon after, I felt the arms of Hazel’s parents around me too. I let the tears stream down my face as I was held by the people I love as I finally accepted the fact that my Hazel Grace was gone and she was never going to come back.