Humans are Space Orcs

Gaia's Trial

CELESTIAL HEARING CHAMBER 0300127651

CASE NO. 4968022778

--GAIA "MOTHER" EARTH vs THE GREATER CELESTIAL PANTHEON--

--CHARGE: GROSS NEGLIGENCE IN DUTIES TO HER SAPIENT CHARGES--

Valian, the Lord of Justice, and father to the mighty Yldeni people, leaders of the Great Galactic Federation, looks upon his notes. They are organized, stately, much like the man holding them. Each corner perfectly aligned to those behind and before it and each page utterly free of crease or fold or smudge. The six members of the court arrayed beside him are each as immaculate and well dressed as he. As they should be, of course, for it is a god's duty to exude perfection at all times.

In utter contrast standing before them is a disheveled woman in what appears to be a bathrobe and bunny slippers and holding a deathgrip on what appears to be a very large mug of coffee, smelling slightly of alcohol. A worse mortal crime than the invention of alcohol has never been committed, but that was something for another day, and for a lesser deity.

"Gaia, formerly of Earth, progenitor of Humans," spits Valian, open disgust in his tone at the very thought of those wretched monkeys. "You have been charged henceforth with utter negligence in your duties as guardian of humanity and protector of Earth. You have allowed, through utter apathy, your charges to run rampant across your fertile lands and traipse across the cosmos bringing chaos and disorder to all. Your open disregard for your sworn duties have led to the spread of dangerous ideas, and even more dangerous substances throughout the known galaxy, perverting the perfection and good order of the mortals' glorious federation. How do you plead?"

Gaia stands there, bags beneath her eyes, and reaches into one of her robe's pockets to reveal a tin flask. Popping the flask's top she begins to pour, liberally, into her now half empty coffee mug before taking a long draw from the mug. "Quiet," she says, barely more than pained groan.

"I beg your pardon?" Valian exclaims angrily. He is affronted, as never before has an accused dared to order him to silence.

"You asked how I plead, I plead for quiet. You're too loud and I'm currently suffering from at least seven hangovers. Don't ask, it doesn't make sense to me either, but there are definitely multiple hangovers going on in my head right now." Gaia takes another draw from her mug, only to realize it is empty. She stuffs the mug into her robe's pocket and procures the flask once more, uncapping it and draining the container in on swig. "You called me in here, on a Saturday mind you, started posturing like someone who had something to prove and then didn't bother to ask how my day was going. Shitty, by the way, my day is shitty. And now that I'm out of both vodka and coffee, it's getting much shittier. Isn't this supposed to be a hearing? As in hey, boys and girls, let's get all the facts so whe can come to a well thought out conclusion before pointing fingers like a bunch of children? Are you saying that you, Valian, the god of uptight pricks, don't want to hear my side of the story? Or have you already decided on my sentence before I got here thus making my presence pointless and incredibly annoying? You're a dick, by the way, not sure I told you that recently."

Valian's face is now red with fury, as he struggles to contain his growing anger. How dare this...this harlot speak to him so! He breathes, and composes himself. It wouldn't do to show such an unsightly face to his peers.

The other deities of the hearing remain silent, fidgeting as they watch the interplay between Gaia and Valian. They don't support Gaia's actions, but even the most uptight of them can see that Valian is probably just a little biased here. Just a little bit.

"Fine," Valian sighs, "tell us your side of the story then. Tell this esteemed council why you thought negligence was the better choice than diligence. Please."