She chose Herself

You made me lose myself

Two days have passed. She didn’t go to her college, but was planning to the next day. Her fever made her stay. With the increase in body temperature, and weakness in her muscles, she felt too weak to even think anything. She was thankful cause the sickness made her forget her heart ache.

However, on the third day, she went to the college. She attended all the classes, had lunch with her friend, and started working up all to  catch up with the classes. 

Keeping herself busy, made her feel better. She liked it in this way more. In the canteen, there was no trace of Natasha or her girlfriends and neither...surprisingly. 

At the middle of the day, something strokes her. All of a sudden, she has this urge of visiting the river bank. This time, more confidently. All that work, and lectures gave her a sudden boost of self confidence out of nowhere.

 She finally realised how much wrong Natasha had done to her, and how she could’ve fought those girls…but nothing did happen. And not being able to do stop them from bullying her made her blood boil. She wanted to cool herself off. So, she went towards the river bank  to feel good. Or maybe still now she was lying to herself. Just like usual.

It was the sixth period that she got a free period.

 Taking the opportunity, she finds herself in the bank. Mentally preparing herself to punch anyone who tries to stop her from doing so.

They don’t own the bank. I can go anywhere I want to.

Reaching there at the entry she finds Manik already standing. For the first time, his eyes were gloomy. Ananya avoided him and tried entering when Manik calls out for her. 

She ignores him, and heads towards the bench.

“Ananya! Stop! Will you? Please.

Stop, we need to talk. 

You don’t have to listen to Natasha. You can talk to me.”

The last line made Ananya stop. 

 Natasha is stopping me from talking to you?

She turned her back and screamed at the top of her lungs. “I am avoiding you not because you wh*re girlfriend asked to, I am doing so that I can stay away from freaks like you!!”

Manik was startled with this side of Ananya. But he didn’t complain.

“Okay! I am sorry. But can we please have a talk? Please?”

“I am definitely not interested in you. STAY AWAY.”

“Pleaseeee. Just one time, ANANYA”

How much she hated her name being called from his mouth. Yet she decided to act like a mature being. 

She controlled her excessive flow of adrenaline, and tried staying clam. She just wants to know what he has to justify. So kept quiet and sat on the nearby bench. Manik went and sat beside her. Instantly, Ananya moved towards the other side of the bench. Even a small skin contact made her tear her skin crawl.  The hatred she has now for him!

“Look I just got to know yesterday, what all happened to you, and I am sincerely sorry for that. I never had the slightest idea that Natasha and her friends would so something like that. Never in my wildest dreams. Maybe there’s a  lot about her that I need to know. But that’s not the fact. The thing is even I know what she did to you is unforgivable, and you don’t even have to that’s okay. If you want, you may go ahead and complain this to the principal. I will make sure no one says anything. But please talk to me. I never wanted these to happen, this…all these are just so new to me, and I don’t even what I should now. I am just being worried about you, so please, please talk to me Ananya.’’

Manik almost cried when he finished his regret speech, and Ananya only heard this and kep quiet, didn’t speak in between. 

She looked at the blank, the river, the trees, the mud, the rass and the fence. She slowly started having flashback of her memories form the past few days, and all that she could see was just those natural objects. Not a single time was there Manik in it, it was just her and the view that she has now. And it was right at this moment Ananya had one of the biggest realisations of her life. 

“Worried about me? 

But why? Why would you be worried about me, Manik?”

Saying she turned towards Manik, he was listening to whatever she said. At least that’s only he can do for now.   

“You know Manik? Ever since I was younger, there were always a group of people who hated everything about me. Everything that I wore, that I ate, that I listened to or watched, there was always a bunch of people who hated me for who I am, yes of course everytime there would be different people. Soon, I realised about not caring about others which I thought, but actually I was just stopping myself from doing anything that others hated, and started showing my hatred by hating everyone and everything. It even made me hate the things that I love. I lost myself. I almost forgot myself, until I turned 18. I took up this mission to know myself. That was my goal for now. And even I did a bit, my past never left me. My acting of not caring about others, made me lie to myself.

 Lie to myself that I liked you or cared about you, but that’s wrong! Completely wrong!! I never liked you or being with you. 

I just loved everything that I see here. That tea stall, that dog, these benches those railways tracks. I loved watching them. I find peace here in the environment without the humans. You were just there, as a supplement  for me, to make me look less lonely. Which I mistook for love. 

And you know what actually makes my heart ache…not the fact that you already have a gir;friend or that she  bullied me. But for the fact that from now on, I would never be able to come and sit here. Not matter how much I scream, how much I stretch my chest with courage, the moment I reach the entry, I get weak. And that’s absolutely for you and your girlfriend. And I am never going to forgive anyone of you to steal me from myself. So, have a better life I wish you with all the happiness and blessings to your love life. ENJOYYYYYYYY’’

With these, Ananya wipes the tears from her face, takes her bag and leaves for her seventh period. This time, she didn’t wanted to lose herself again. The fun that she enjoyed in lectures, and books and friends and classmates. She got to know one more new thing about herself, and this time she's going to protect it with her everything.