Fresh Start

F o u r t e e n

   Avoiding Maia was surprisingly easy. Easy meaning physically, mentally however, that was a different story. She's started classes and between that and volunteering at her church she barely has enough time to text me. Barely. She still does, trying to set up plans with me or sometimes just wanting to talk over the phone. No matter why she texts me, I simply make up an excuse to avoid talking to her, often using Jenna as the excuse.

Even if part of me desperately wants to see her, the other part of me knows it's better this way, less guilt, and less reasons to be guilty.

I was hoping I'd be able to avoid her until she got the idea, but sadly Kaylee has forced me into going to dinner with everyone again. Everyone. Including Maia. The only good thing about it was that I could bring Jenna, meaning I could just talk to her and try not to talk to Maia.

I tried explaining my situation to Kaylee but it was very difficult for her to get it with my leaving out the kiss part. She said several things like 'but she probably just wants to be friends', 'you don't need to avoid her, she's got a boyfriend'

All her words make me realize how fucking dramatic I'm being. She kissed me. Yeah okay, whatever. Only reason she did it was to stop a panic attack, and it worked so...It's not like she's hinted to liking me since that kiss, so far she's just been friendly, it's me that's twisting things to make it seem like she likes me, but in reality she only wants to be friends. I mean why would someone like her even like me anyways.

Still though. To be safe I would keep my distance, just like I've been doing.

---

During another sleepless night I find myself staring at the ceiling, waiting. It really pisses me off, like Kaylee's right next door, sleeping soundlessly, Jenna's out in the living room sleeping soundlessly, so why can't I?

Oh that's right, these fucking meds. You know the happy pills, the thing is, what's happiness worth if I go crazy from lack of sleep.

As I sit up in bed, I make a mental note to complain to my psychiatrist about the insomnia, hopefully to get some other meds, but if not that then to just vent. I walk into the main room, trying to walk quietly by the living room towards the kitchen but instead I'm halted by a voice, "What're you doing?" Jenna asks, squinting at me from where she sits on the couch, laptop in front of her.

Okay so scratch that Jenna's not sleeping soundly, "Water." I state simply, stopping in my tracks to face her.

"Come here, this works the same." She offers, waving a can of beer in the air.

I shake my head, but nonetheless make my way towards her, sitting to face her on the couch, "You got these past airport security?" I ask, confused as she hands me the can.

I reject the can, pushing it back to her, "Nah, I bought these yesterday when I went into town." She explains, closing her laptop and placing it on the coffee table beside the half empty beer can.

"Have you talked to Rayna recently?" I ask, as she adjusts herself so we're sitting the same way, crossed legged and facing each other.

"No, I'm getting ready to be single for a while." She says, offering me a small sad smile that forces me to mimic the same on my face.

"You know there's some things I miss about relationships, like being able to talk to someone that easy or just feeling loved, but there's also things I don't miss like the jealousy and the stress and the guilt." I tell her, leaning against the armrest behind me slightly, letting myself relax around her, "It was nice to feel safe but after a while that feeling leaves."

"I think in healthy relationships that feeling lasts forever." She says, dropping her gaze to her hands, "I felt that way with Rayna."

"Maybe there's still a chance for you two." I suggest, my voice hopeful.

Jenna shakes her head slowly "She doesn't need a relationship right now." She says, "She doesn't need me."

I pick up on the sadness in her tone, and quickly put my hand on her shoulder. As soon as she feels the contact her eyes are quick to meet mine, "Hey it's okay, Rayna will get the help she needs, and in the meantime we can be single together." I suggest, letting a small laugh slip from my lips.

We sit like that for a second, me offering her a comforting expression and her showing a sliver of vulnerability, but as the time passes slowly she moves closer, her gaze shifting to my lips. I don't know why but I find myself following her lead and closing the space between us.

As my lips meet Jenna's, her hand moves up to the side of my face. I grip harder at the thin shirt material on her shoulder when she deepens the kiss, taking everything a step further.

It's a fine kiss, as far as kisses go. But there's something missing, something I identify as feelings behind it, more than just friendship. These thoughts make me pull back, only an inch, breaking the kiss. Slowly her eyes open, immediately flashing to mine.

It's another second before a small smile appears on my lips, not a smile that says 'that was an amazing kiss, this changes everything' but rather one that's soon followed by a small laugh as the kiss sets in. The expression on my face shows on Jenna's face as she bites her lip, holding back her laughter.

I shake my head slightly, "No." I state, as Jenna nods slightly, muttering something similar to what I said as she finally lets out a small noise of amusement, clearly finding what just happened both funny and unbelievable.

Note to self, just cause you like the same gender doesn't mean you like each other. Some people are meant to be just friends.