Fresh Start

T w e n t y - f o u r

   We sit in silence. Not the comfortable silence that I was used to being in with Maia, no, we were sitting in that excruciatingly painful silence that makes you just want to scream because of how awkward it is. She stopped the car minutes ago, but with neither of us wanting to start the conversation, the silence stayed, even though it was very unwelcome.

So you can believe my relief when I hear Maia sigh, before finally speaking, "What do you wanna say, Kris?" Her voice sounds pained, part of me thinks it's caused by the annoying quiet previously lingering in the air, but the other part wonders if maybe I hurt her just as much as I hurt myself by making her leave that day.

"I think I really messed up." I say, forcing my eyes forward even when I feel her gaze on me, my hands resting in my lap, tangled together from the tense feeling in the car. "I was afraid you'd hurt me so I hurt you before giving you a chance. I thought it was the better choice but really I just took the easy way out. But then I talked to Kaylee and Kieron and I realized maybe this thing we have is worth the inevitable pain it'll bring."

As the last words leave my lips, I turn my head, finally looking at Maia for the first time in days, meeting those same brown eyes. They make me think of a quote. One that I never really got until now, 'Brown eyes are just brown eyes, until you love someone with brown eyes'. I'm starting to fear I understand it almost too much. Because fuck if this means what I think it means, I might just love her.

"It doesn't have to bring pain, Kris." Maia says, making me refocus on the conversation. "Why can't we just promise not to hurt each other?" She points out.

"Because all relationships end, Maia."

"No they don't." She urges, her voice suddenly breaking, her next words filled with more emotion, "We can be one of the couples that don't end, ever." I smile lightly, mostly at her confession, and only a bit at the nativity. "I don't know why you just assume that everyone's gonna hurt you, but I don't wanna be one of those people."

I swallow hard, my eyes noticing Maia's chest, repeatedly rising and lowering, out of breath from her previous words. "I want to believe you, but-"

"No buts." She interrupts, getting more and more worked up, "If you wanna believe me then believe me."

Slowly but surely I nod my head, "So, I promise not to hurt you, and you promise the same to me." I say, Maia nodding immediately.

"And we talk." She suggests, "Before assuming something, we talk."

I laugh lightly, before saying, "You know, half of a lesbian relationship is talking?" I joke, making her mirror my previous small chuckle. "But yeah, we'll talk. Especially since I'll need a lot of reassurance that you still wanna be with me. But you already know how fucked up I am, and you've already signed off on this crazy side of me." I say, only half joking.

"You're not fucked up, Kris." Maia disagrees, "You're wonderfully complex, and that's one of the many reasons why I like you."

I smile at her words, glancing quickly to where she's placed her hand over mine, before returning my gaze to her. "Complex huh? That's a nice way to put it."

She shares my expression, offering me a smile, "And don't worry, I'll assure you every fucking day just how much I like you." My lips tug up more when she interlocks our hands, giving mine a tight squeeze.

"I'm all in." I state simply, recalling Kaylee's words earlier.

---

We get back to Maia's place late, and by the time we finally get the door unlocked, we're both laughing heavily through the deep kiss. Our lips barely parted as we made our way to her room, only breaking apart for quick giggles or for Maia to repeatedly ask if this was okay.

Nothing's funny, as we both share yet another laugh, so why are we laughing? Maybe it's because we're both so relieved to be pasted this bump in our relationship, or maybe it's just because we're both so fucking happy right now.

The night was filled with laughter, and shared smiles, and reassurance from both sides. It was all so new and exciting, even if it wasn't my first time, it kind of still felt like it was, since it was my first time with someone I really belong with. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who promises not to hurt me. Someone who reads fucking shakespeare to me after having sex. Someone who I think I might just love.