Musings

A Monster, a Sunset and a Vase

Beware: much blood, angst and ideologies you should not adopt and let us not forget the suicide and self-harm.

When we die, where do we go? Heaven, Hell, something else or nowhere at all? Say we do go to either Heaven or Hell.

A monster arrives at the pearly white gates. It believes it was judged wrongly, that it should not be there. Monsters must go to Hell after all. Why was it here, among the good, the kind and graceful? Why was this tainted human so beloved? This thing that no longer had the right to call itself human at all, if it ever even did.

While pondering the monster stumbled through the gates, as if pulled. All its pain and suffering vanished, feeling like naught but distant memories. Clouds forming and vanishing in a sky that was not, or was no longer, its own. The monster formed its first real smile, sunlight forming its features and coating them in golden light once more. The tainted no-longer human was cleansed, purified once more.

But it felt so wrong. The beaming grin turned to a scowl, but even that indescribable emotion was turned to happiness once more. The monster gazed at its shaking hands, face flipping from distress to joy over and over again. Then it hit the monster: "Is this even Heaven or just a special punishment for my misdeeds?" Humans are want to believe their own first theories far too quickly.

The monster ran off to prove its hypothesis. However, every denizen of this place it spoke to had similarly different stories to tell of the place. Some said it was truly paradise, others felt grateful, yet others felt they deserved their place, maybe even a better one. Every tale was a happy one and the monster was happy too, wasn't it? So why did it feel so lost? This didn't seem like a punishment, or if it was one it would have taken far too much effort to set up. One does not simply recreate real dead people, some quite well known, for only one person.

"What can white clouds and golden spoons do for one who did not want them? What could happiness do for one who does not deserve nor want it any longer? What monster could feel at peace in Heaven?"

It cried to the sky above, but it could not cry. The monster wandered across the clouds, purposelessly, not that it had ever had one, pondering. 

"How could one such as I even enter this place? One who dreams of slaughter and laughs? One who would not hesitate to take a life? One who does not feel that those lives even have any worth? One who knows one's- these faults but makes no effort to correct them? Who made this error? Who could do this to me? Who could send me to Heaven like this? Who had the arrogance to make me happy? Who hurt me like this, to send one who hates themselves to a good place? Who made the mistake of thinking I deserve this!"

The monster wished to curl up, so it did. Nobody wished to stop it. The monster asked for a knife, so it got one. "This is a free place after all, why would I deny you?" a denizen said. The monster wished to slash itself, so it did. Nobody stopped it, for they believed this made the monster happy. One could not truly say that they were wrong, not entirely.

"A free place? A free place indeed!" The monster said while laughing, smile depraved. A depraved smile is still a smile, is it not? It held its head in its hands, laughing, "Ah look! The wounds are already gone! Ah Heaven, a Heaven indeed! What a Heaven for one such as I!" 

Many of you must be wondering how this monster left the Earth? I'm sure you know the answer already and I'm sure you feel bad for it. Why do you feel bad for it? That was this monster's choice, its own selfish act. If you must feel bad for this monster, then feel bad for the fact that it is awake again.

Why must a monster who left the Earth be woken again? Who has the right to wake it up again? Family? Friends? Those perhaps, but those were not the ones who committed this 'sin of happiness', they have no such power. Those have already said goodbye to the monster, so why should it continue to stay awake, to live? "To commit that selfish act once more would no longer be selfish."

This is what that monster thought as it brought its easily gotten blade to its neck with that same smile still on its face. Ruby red blood spilled onto the clouds as the sun sunk lower in the sky, some clouds turning to a pinkish hue as the richest and sweetest red wine soaked into them. On Earth those family and friends turned their heads to watch that sunset and admire those same cherry pink clouds, rays of fading sunlight tinting some of them slightly orange. The sky was painted with hundreds of warm hues, but they would change and fade to cooler ones later when true night approached.

The monster relished the feeling of its life seeping away, the euphoria of death had wholly overcome any pain of the wound. Yet perhaps the lack of pain was just because of this place.

As it drifted into peaceful, deep and dark sleep once more, it smiled. This was a true smile, like the smile a sommelier would after having enjoyed a sip of some extravagant vintage or like the smile of a satisfied laborer enjoying some simple pleasure, like chatting with friends in a tavern, perhaps under some sunset like this one.

The monster didn't know how long it slept for, but it opened its eyes again nevertheless. Had it been a day? A month? A millennia? It had no clue indeed. It only knew that those cursed eyes were open again, or perhaps the cursed thing was that they were open once more. It screamed. The scream sounded like a joyous cry. It wanted to weep.

It could not.

The beast was trapped.

This was its lot.

The flower had long bloomed,

but this should not have been its spot.

Which monster wants that gentle light?

Which fool wishes to cure its such a blight?

Tainted human or angel, does it matter?

In death they are the same, right?

Yet neither has that power.

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Author's note:

Welcome one and all to this very dark start! Gotta love those ambiguous morals. 

Sorry if I ended up offending anyone or hurting anyone who lost a friend or family member in that way. That was not at all my intent. These are just musings of a wandering brain, meant to provoke thought in a way, I suppose. 

To provoke thought indeed, but never to hurt. I'm not exactly known for my tact, never will be, but don't let my blunt wording hurt you if you can help it.

If you know anyone who's life you fear for, please visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or any other prevention line. Even if that person might truly want to go, your 'selfish' desire to keep them alive is of course not a bad one. Cry, scream and beg if you have to for nobody can put a price on the life of a friend or family member.