Remember You (Larry Stylinson)

~6~

I asked him about the song lyrics again. What I wasn't expecting, was what he said after that.

"If you could guess what the lyrics in your journal mean, what would it be?" I ask him.
We were sitting on the swings of his neighbourhood playground-swinging slightly. He twists his lips as he thought, but didn't hesitate to answer.

"That life exists. That we're all living every part of it as days go by. We don't realise just how lucky we're to be alive and to live, and to breathe. We exist and then we don't. The most important part of existing is to realise just how much of a meaningful rare treasure you're to the world."

I gaped at that, and thought deeply about it for a second. I might've been thinking too deeply though, because Harry waves a hand in front of my face and brings me back to.

"Oh, sorry." I blushed as I came back to reality.

"It's fine." He giggles.

"But wow, that was sort of deep." I replied. "And you think that's what it means?"

"It could mean many things. To me, that's what it means." He replies.

"I'm still trying to figure out how it relates to you though. You promised you would tell me." I reminded.

He stops moving and frowns for a second. He looks down and begins to fiddle with his fingers. He always does that when nervous or doesn't know what to say.

"When I tell you this, can you promise me something?" He begs as he looks back up at me.

I nodded. "Of course."

"Please don't look at me differently. Don't treat me differently because of it. Please don't think I need your sympathy, and please, please don't cry...please?" He begs. I was so confused and don't know why he was saying any of this. It was making me worried.

"Okay." I hesitantly say.

He sighs and licks his lips nervously.

"Louis, I- I have leukaemia." At that, my eyes widen and my heart sank into my chest as I processed what he just said. 

"Wha- what?" I question in shock, my voice cracking a bit.

"I have leukaemia. The first time I was diagnosed was when I was 5. I got cured when I turned 9, but then it came back. They said I have a year, but it could be sooner. They also said there was maybe a chance I could live and get cured again, but that it wasn't certain." He explains.

I didn't know what to say when he'd told me. I just sat there looking anywhere else but him. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't say anything to him. I just sat there. I cried but didn't even realise it until I had felt him wipe a tear from my eyes.

"I told you not to cry." He says, trying not to cry himself.

"I-" my voice cracks. It all makes sense now.

"If I don't do it now, then I'll never get the chance to."

"It's not because I don't know what I want for my future, it's more complicated than that."

"I don't exactly want to mention why. It's just that when I think about it, I picture these people living their lives, following their dreams, and fulfilling their future."

"Doubt? I can do that. Can I do the things I just listed? that's something I look forward to seeing myself."

"If only you knew"

I burst into tears, and immediately he gets up from the swings and hugs me. I cry into his shoulder as he tries calming me down, telling me it'll all be okay.

"No, it won't. It won't!" I cried out. It hurt. It hurt so much. I can't lose him, I just can't. He's
my first love, this can't be happening. I love him too much to lose him, this isn't fair.

He looks at me and grabs my face gently. "Lou, look at me please."

I did, and looked into his beautiful green eyes I know I will never see again.

"I love you, so much. The last thing I want is to see you cry like this. I know it hurts, it does for me too and I can't help but accept that hurt. There's nothing I can do and that pains me every day because this is how I have to live until I don't live anymore."

"Until I don't live anymore." If that didn't hurt me more than what I already know, I don't know what else would.

"I'm going to go. I'm going to leave this world and I can't prevent it. All I want is for you to be happy when I'm gone. I don't mean you can't be sad of course, but I just don't want you to be hurt for too long. I want you to find peace as time goes on. To find happiness. To be happy and find love again. No matter how many people you meet, I want you to move on and find that one person. That one person who you will love forever. Who will make you happy and put a smile on your face. I just want you to be happy and find happiness. You will find love again. You will never forget me of course, and that's okay. It's okay to remember me for as long as you want. Just don't let it get in the way of that love. Because that new love will be important. You will be cherished and cared for in ways I didn't get the chance to." He finishes.

I look away from him, and looked down at the ground. I don't want to love anyone else, I wanted to love him.

"But- but I don't want to lose you. I- I can't love anyone else." I sobbed.

"Yes you can. I might be your first love, and that's probably why you don't want to move on, but it doesn't mean you can't. When comes a first, comes a second, and you see and experience how that second part of love works out. You have to understand that there's a second chance of love for everyone. You might go through love after love until you find that perfect person, but at least you would have moved on and been loved. Because that's what I want you to do."

And he was right. I knew that. I knew I had to move on, and find peace as time went on.

*hands the tissues*