Hiraeth: Blackout (I)

Chapter Five

Class was over after a brief instruction to bring any additional supplies or instruments we needed the next Day.

Lunchtime had arrived. I was starving.

"H-Hey, uh, Roxie?" I called to her as we packed up.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you, um, w-w-wanna sit with me again?" I asked timidly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced Santiago walk up, see me, and then head the other direction.

Roxie's face lit up. "Sure! Oh, but my cousin Derek wanted to sit with me to-Day. You think you'll be fine with him coming?"

"Sure! I-I-I met him yester-Day, a-a-actually," I began on the way to lunch. "I had to help him with a... sticky situation."

Roxie laughed. "Oh man, I heard about that!"

Her face suddenly flushed a muted crimson.

"... Did he really say that I'm obsessed with you?"

"Uh... yeah. He k-kind of did."

Roxie groaned in frustration, running a hand through her coppery red hair. "I'm gonna kick his butt."

I laughed, almost nervously.

A part of me wanted Roxie to think I was cool, to even be "obsessed" with me. But another part of me knew Derek was just teasing, over-exaggerating.

It would be cool if she had a crush on me, though... I thought wishfully.

"I'm not obsessed, I was just interested in your whole story. I think what you went through was... a lot," Roxie explained. "By the way, you never answered me yester-Day. About my hypothesis?"

My pulse rate increased by a million. "Uhhh, w-w-w-what hypothesis?" I blurted like an idiot.

Roxie raised her eyebrows at me questioningly. "My theory that you didn't actually... black out an entire continent?"

"Oh yeah! That hypothesis." I gulped, scratching my head. "I, uh... W-Well, I-"

Roxie interrupted me, grinning. "-You seem awfully hesitant to answer, which most likely means that I'm correct! You're just afraid of getting in trouble for telling the truth!"

I couldn't speak. I could hardly even walk straight, my entire body felt deprived of energy, frozen with apprehension. Here I was, walking to lunch with the most amazing girl in the world, and I would have to tell her she was wrong.

She's wrong about me, I'm not innocent. I did a terrible, awful, horrible thing, and she thinks it was someone else! How am I supposed to tell her the truth? How am I supposed to explain that I... that I am just as bad as the world sees me?

Roxie kept right on smiling, brighter and brighter. My heart felt like it would explode from the pressure of her hope, her belief in me, and having to let her down. "I'm right, aren't I?" she persisted.

If I tell her the truth, she'll hate me. If I lie, I'll feel guilty, and she'll find out eventually.

My mind raced, two sides of me warring against each other. One wanted to tell the truth, the other wanted to live in a lie where I didn't do it. A lie where I was just as good as Roxie and the others, someone who didn't kill innocent beings. Someone who had control over their own feelings and abilities. Someone who deserved to have beings like them by my side.

My words came out almost on their own, like I wasn't fully in control. I slowly, shakily, muttered, "Y-Yes."

NO! Dude, you can't lie! You can't!!!