The Drowning Girl

thirteen

"Take out it is." Corey said after we all spoke for a bit, my body too dead on the inside to try and cook right now. I stood watching as Marc pulled out a drawer and took out a pile of menus, the corner of my lip quirking as he dropped it onto the table.

I turned, walking down the short hallway to where Axels room sat. I flipped the light on, illuminating the hall with pictures lining the walls.

I stared at them as I passed, grinning at the photo of a photo of Corey and Brandon from when they were much younger. Red popsicles hung from their hands wrapped around one another, staining their lips as they grinned. Corey didn't have one of his front teeth, Brandon missing the opposite one.

I took another step, seeing a very tough looking Raven with even shorter hair standing in an older woman's frail grasp. He looked uncomfortable, she simply grinned larger and looked so happy to be there with him.

Axel had his own arm around Marc, both of them maybe five years younger. Axel looked a little dimmer, his smile wide while his usually intense eyes just looked empty. Marc, Marc looked defeated. He was looking behind the camera, his body tense as Axel held him. It hurt me, I never wanted to see him like that again.

I stood in front of Axels door now, a photo of all five of them including someone else. My chest squeezed as I stared at her, her eyes huge against her face while she grinned at the camera. Raven held her, Corey on the opposite side of the group and looking almost miserable as he glanced at the two. Axel simply grinned where he stood, oblivious to the plight of Corey. Brandon looked at the girl like she held the moon, Marc looked at her like she was the moon.

I glanced away, flicking the switch at the end of the hall before entering Axels room. I stared at the shopping bags laid out onto his bed, my mind swirling as I dug through them and took out a pajama set Gabriel had forced upon me. Silk shorts and a tank top that matched.

I rubbed my wrists, wary of the scars being so visible. I took them into his bathroom, flicking the lock before turning the shower on. I was numb as I undressed, my mind going back to that girl and the photo. I stepped into the hot water, the feeling almost burning every nerve bra that my skin as I hurried through my routine. I finally sank down, my brain in a fog as I stared down.

I wish I could slide down the drain.

I eyed the razor he had, an old fashion straight razor he said he used to shave his face. I remember he had looked at a shaving store in the mall, how he explained his father had taught him when he was younger. And then got a fair away look that I knew better than to prod at.

It hurt more, slicing over the scars on my ribs. I only did a few, but it was enough for a breath to leave me in relief. Only three slices for my thoughts to stop spiraling, for my brain to stop deepening itself into the fog.

I placed it back on the little shelf it sat on, anger at myself for doing it and for letting something small like a photo hurt me this bad. I flinched at the sound of knocking, my eyes flickering to where I could see Axels shadow under the door.

"Dove, are you alright?" He sounded almost surprised when he paused, my hand rubbing against the flat part of my chest.

"I'm fine." My voice sounded more like a croak, causing me to wince as I watched the silence stretch on.

"Ro, can you let me in?" I sat in the shower as it ran, pressing my forehead against my knees and held one hand over the new additions to my skin.

"Let me finish." I muttered, desperately wishing he was in here and could hold me. But I couldn't handle the disappointment I was sure to come with it, with showing him just how weak I was.

"Dove, please." I let out a tiny sob, not even sure how he could've noticed the state I was in.

The door knob turned as he walked in, the lock not even hard to have picked. It was a simple lock, one you could just use a quarter and press into the knob to unlock it. I watched as he took me in, the blood still trickling into the water past my hand.

"Oh, Rowena." I let out another small sob, trying my hardest to stifle it with my lips.

He walked to me, opening the door to shut off the water before crouching down. He had taken off his glasses, doing nothing to stifle the intensity of them as he stared at me. Bits of caramel and toffee swirling in the dark colours, my chest squeezing in on itself.

"Why my dove, why?" He took a towel and wrapped it around me, lifting me up and bringing me to his bed. I curled in on myself, my hair covering my face as I tried to get myself from him. The smell relief I had felt was replaced with disgust and misery, and I was desperate to not see it on his face.

"Rowena." His voice was a plea as he moved my hair away from my face, his touch gentle and soft.

"Please, I'm sorry." I hated feeling like this but I couldn't help it, the jealously and self hatred was just overwhelming.

"Why?"

"I, everything caught up to me. And I saw her, she was so beautiful and you all looked at her like she was the fucking moon and I'm just, some whale in the ocean that's alone." I sobbed out, his eyes filling with understanding before he looked away.

"We probably should've told you about her before we started whatever, this is. Her name was Kayli, and she was our girlfriend." He didn't look at me as he spoke, his hand holding mine though. His thumb traced little circles on my hand, goosebumps erupting over my bare skin.

"You we're all with her? Like Sang with her boys?" He nodded, glancing back at me with a sad smile.

"She was a thief we caught at the same mall we went to today,  we needed her to get information on someone we thought was selling drugs. Selling, creating, we had no clue what he was doing. She got close with him, which at some point definitely helped."

"But?" He looked at the cuts on my side, using the towel to wipe away at the three fresh ones.

"She fell in love, and wanted to all of us and him. But we didn't trust him, how could we? She lied to us, said she had cut it off and wasn't seeing him anymore. It wasn't until she got pregnant and got mean that we found out the truth." I tried to hold in my gasp, but the look on Axels face pretty much told me I was unsuccessful.

"Was it one of yours?" He shrugged, glancing back to me as pain crossed every one of his features.

"We have no idea, she cleaned out our apartments, our bank accounts, and skipped town. Blake, he's the guy she cheated on us with, can't find her either. That was two years ago now, a long time ago." He leaned down, his hand cupping my cheek as he stared at me.

He brushed his lips against my own, like a feather. He smelt like mint tea, causing me to shiver as he leant back.

"Axel." I whispered, plea on my own mouth as I stared at him.

"Get dressed and come eat, you need the food. I won't tell anyone what happened in their Dove, but you owe it to them. They'll find out eventually." Shame laced through me as I looked away, hatred and disgust so prominent.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I know it isn't as cut and dry as stopping and starting. But please," He grasped my hands, pulling me closer to him. His lips pressed against me again, firmer this time. I couldn't hold back the small noise I make, the smirk crossing his lips making my face flame as I pulled back. "Come to me, to Brandon, to any of us. I don't like seeing you hurt."

I watched as he walked out, my mind and chest racing as I watched him. I'd get better, I knew I had to. I couldn't keep doing this to myself, to those around me. I don't think I could take the shame and disgust with myself, I needed to be better, stronger.

And I would be.