Apathy

14| Santiago

A S T R A E A

After our emotional moment, we watched a movie together. Then mom decided to bake us some 'Sfouf', a Lebanese dessert that her best friend taught her how to make. My twins and I love it!

Pa fell asleep during the movie, I can't blame him even though he retired and Andro took over the Spanish mafia, Pa still helps him. Mom informed us that neither Pa nor Andro has slept for two days, when dad fell asleep, I dragged Andro to bed even though he protested saying that he wants to spend as much time as possible with me, I still convinced him to take a nap

Mattias, Atlas, and Elias are doing.... whatever the fuck they usually do together, probably causing trouble. And finally, Ezekiel and Ares—the weirdos they are, decided to hit the gym so they can do 'their special workout routine' together since they haven't done it in months

I, on the other hand, am roaming around the mansion, I pass by the hallways where I used to always fall running away from my brothers when we were playing. I admired the pictures Ma put on the wall, we were all together, smiling, we were happy truly happy, grins on each of our faces, we were maybe like 12 in this photo, Matias and Atlas had been begging our parents to take us to Disney Land for months. They decided to surprise us by taking us there for a whole weekend, it was really fun, we took the picture near a big castle

happy old memories

It is good being back in the house where you spend the only happy moments of your childhood in. Sometimes I wonder, what if the Rodriguez had adopted when we were still babies, what if we hadn't spent the first few years of our life in that abusive household, what if our childhood was filled with joy not just a few years of that precious youth, what if we hadn't been forced to see the monstrosity of this cruel word?

but all of those are what-ifs. They will never become a reality

The world is cruel, it put a facade to make us believe that it is safe but in reality, it is all a lie, a big fat lie, that some people unfortunately still believe in. The real world, which not everyone has been exposed to, is filled with evil. Many people claim that a monster is made not born but I like to adjust that claim, I think we were all born with a wicked, sadistic part but life, hardships, and people bring those parts of us that were buried to life again, that is how we become monsters. But in the end, every one of us is a sinner, every one of us has committed sinful acts and wrongdoings, whether it is serious ones or not, they are still sins and we are still sinners

I am still walking down the hallway passing all the rooms while recalling the old souvenirs, subconsciously heading toward the room in this house I missed the most. I stopped dead in my tracks when I reached the familiar doorway, I was debating if I should enter the room or not, hesitantly I bought my shaky hand to the door handle

I knew it was unlocked, we never lock the room, but a selfish part of me wished it was so I would avoid reliving the unbearable pain. I finally collected all the courage I have in me and pushed the door wide open. I close the door behind me and took a seat on the bed, I sighed and close my eyes trying to keep the tears locked up. I could even smell his faint scent, I could almost feel his protective warmth, I could almost hear him, I could almost see him

almost—

it is funny how this room used to be my safe space, the place where I took refuge, and now it is the most painful place I could be because it reminds me that now he is just a memory, a memory that I would have to remember for my entire life

Every few years around this time, my family and I would spend the day together like today, it is a day that we have all marked on our calendars, because we know that we should be here for each other and prepare for the devastating pain we will feel the next day. The next is the day we last saw him. Tomorrow marks 3 years since I last saw him, heard him, touched him, felt him.... we never spend that day together, not because we don't want to, but because we can't, the pain is too much for us, everyone on of us copes in a different way