Apathy

35| Old friend

A S T R A E A

"Thank you, Mrs. Mannings," I said as I got out of my therapist office

It's been a few weeks since my meltdown and I have decided to go back to my therapist's sessions. I have been feeling good lately. I am doing okay.

I have been hanging out with my brothers a lot recently and even with my parents—both sets of parents. As for my relationship with Nico, it had never been better. Everything is going good and that scares me. I am terrified that this is too good to be true. That at any moment anything could happen and ruin everything.

Every good thing must come to end, right?

I got into my car and drove to the nearest small, local coffee shop. The ambiance was cozy and peaceful and I really liked the antique theme. The place wasn't crowded and I was grateful for that, I need a white place to think alone. Just my thoughts and I.

I ordered a caramel iced latte and started to drink it while scrolling on my social media. Lately, I had been feeling a little weird. Maybe I am just being paranoid but I feel like someone he following me. And it is making me uneasy.

Looking across the street I swore I noticed a shadow. The shadow of a person. Most probably a woman. That is just a guess I took after analyzing the flawless and feminine figure. Interesting...and alarming.

Let's not overthink it maybe it is just someone passing by.

Who am I kidding? There is no coincidence or shit like this in the mafia world. From now on I should be more cautious, more prepared. Anything could happen at any time.

Especially that we are so close to finding Adolf's location and the place he most likely hid Santiago in. There is a lot at stake. I can't mess up.

The feeling of worry just kept growing inside of me. I grabbed my cup and got up walking out of the cafe. I didn't feel like enjoying my afternoon coffee anymore. The sentiment keeps getting worst.

Getting in my car I inhale and exhale sharply. My trembling hands found their way to the steering wheel. But I couldn't drive. I couldn't. The feeling was eating me up. The fear. The worry. It was becoming hard to move. Hard to think. Hard to breathe.  

I feel out of control.

Fuck, I was having a panic attack.

Panic attacks can feel excruciating and painful. It's hard to figure out how to deal with panic attacks when you experience them frequently. When I usually have a panic attack, I feel like I am dying. I feel shortness of breath, numbness, and tingling throughout my entire body, which is extremely uncomfortable and can be terrifying.

There is no specific way to keep a panic attack from happening, but you may be able to lessen the effects and do your best to calm yourself down. I tried remembering what my therapist taught me about keeping panic attacks in check.

The first thing I did was to do my best to regulate my breathing. I attempted to take myself out of the moment by opening my eyes and focusing on something specific that I love. Like Nico, my family, my best friend...

This can help me start to feel better and can lessen the symptoms of anxiety that I am feeling. I also made sure that I understood that I am having a panic attack and that I will eventually be fine. It will pass and these feelings will also pass.

Everything is gonna be okay, I constantly repeated to myself until my breathing finally got back to normal.

I reach out for the water bottle I always keep in my car and opened it taking a sip. Then I drove home, trying to keep my thoughts positive.