To Every Girl I Ever Loved

- n e v a e h -

dear nevaeh,

you probably know this already, but your name is heaven spelled backwards. your parents weren't wrong for naming you after heaven.

you were heaven for me.

i know we broke up last year. so, if i find the courage to send you this letter, this will come as a surprise to you.

but i don't care because, as you know, i loved you. i'm glad i told you that when we were still together. you know, you're the first person i've ever said that to. you have a lot of my firsts.

first date. first girlfriend. first time.

we were together for two years.

i remember the day we met, 3 years ago. it was at a school dance, of all places. neither of us had dates, both of us were standing on the sidelines.

i didn't think i'd be brave enough to talk to the pretty girl, watching her friends dance with their dates while having no one to dance with. but i was. all it took was a hi. luckily, cause that's all i was brave enough to say.

when i said hi, you smiled. it was the brightest smile i'd ever seen. you came to stand next to me, your blue dress swaying as you walked. you looked beautiful that night, just like you always do.

you said hi back. you were braver than i was and made conversation so easily, pointing out your friends to me, saying that those were their boyfriends they were dancing with. you said you came without a date. you said you were happy to watch them dance.

then you looked at me. and smiled again. and grabbed my hand. you pulled me out to the dance floor, where your friends were all swaying to the music. and then we started to sway to the music.

after, you asked me to come with you and your friends and their boyfriends to the local diner.

and then you and i, became a we, an us.

we did so much together. your friends and their boyfriends became my friends. i didn't have many friends before you. but i'm glad that you introduced me to them.

cause if you hadn't then i wouldn't have learned what it's like to have friends that care about you. and laugh with each other. and have fun together.

so thank you for that.

when i told you that i loved you, you smiled your lovely smile, and said you loved me more. we argued for a while about that. who loved who more. until finally we just laughed and kissed.

we loved each other for a long time. and then we didn't. i think you stopped loving me first. and that's ok. at first, i was angry and hurt and sad. especially when you broke up with me.

oh, it hurt so much. i had to watch you move on. i had to watch my friends, our friends, choose you. instead of me.

and i was alone. but then i wasn't. because you taught me how to make friends. so i made some. and i slowly stopped thinking about you. and i moved on. it stopped hurting.

and when i saw you with our friends, i wasn't mad or sad. i understood. they were yours first. and you were never mine to keep.

i couldn't have kept you forever even if you were. i know that now.

and look, i'm not trying to make you feel bad about any of this. i don't blame you, or hate you for it. so please, if you read this, don't feel bad.

i'm sure you won't though. because you were always so decisive. you never regretted a thing you did. i loved that about you. you lived so in the moment. it was beautiful.

i just wanted to thank you, nevaeh. for everything. for that dance. for your love. for your kisses. for your friends. for all the firsts.

thank you.

especially for helping me be the person i am today.

thank you.

the boy that you pulled onto the dance floor,
oliver