traitor | Ziggy x Nick

5: you deserve better

My parents didn't want me, why would you?
You're the best so I will do what I will do for you
I've got problems in my brain, you help me ease the pain
Help me numb it out when I been crying in the rain 'cause
I've got these demons that I can't shake
-
sadeyes

>>>

!!! Tw// suicide for this chapter !!!

Standing outside my sorry excuse of a house, I hold my small bag of things in my hand. My mind was still reeling from last night. I could barely get a wink of sleep with Nick's confession circling my brain.

All his fault. All his fault.

Shaking my head, I take a step forward toward my house, I saw a figure watching me from the window. Mom. She never visited after that time she stumbled in drunk and I hadn't seen her since. Which I was glad for because for all I'd know she would've attacked me and blamed me for Cindy's death again. However, when we made eye contact through the window, she somehow managed to look like more of a wreck than before. I walk slowly to the door and as I stand there, reaching for the handle, it swings open.

"Ow!"

As I regain my senses from the plank of gradually weakening wood hitting my face, I see my mothers bloodshot eyes full of...everything. Anger, hurt, confusion, everything under the sun. How much alcohol could her body hold before something happened to her? She stared me hard in the eyes. And of course, she clutched a half empty bottle of vodka. But she only gives me one last dismissive look before she turns and slams the door after her.

"Thanks for letting me in mom. Welcome home Ziggy," I mock to no one before swinging it open, stomping past my now, somehow, already-knocked-out mother and walking to my room.

Collapsing on the bed, I look at the ceiling and close my eyes. I wanted to fall asleep and forget about the past summer but there was no way I would get anywhere with anything at this point.

Nick fucking Goode. I loved the devil for gods sake. Or Satan, pick and choose, I still never wish I felt that way. He basically killed thirteen Shadysiders because his dad told him to. I turn over onto my stomach and scream into my pillow.

Being the heir apparent isn't always easy either. Before he died, my dad loaded me up with all this you know "you're my legacy, the future of the family depends on you" shit. You know he just dropped this huge burden in my lap and I dunno, what if I don't want that.

I guess I knew what he meant now. Did he really want it? I ask myself. But his actions, they were still inexcusable. He still let it happen, his dad still left him to deal with it and made him continue that goddamn deal.

What if that's not who I wanna be?

"I really wish it wasn't you," I whisper into my pillow.

Crying and sobbing from all the pain, I still try to force myself to sleep. But I can't with everything feeling in my brain from Cindy to Nick. So instead I stand from my bed and walk to my sister's room. As I went to reach for the door, I noticed it was already open, so I push it open slowly and fall to my knees at the sight. There were boxes all stacked across the floor and all that remained was her bed. Crawling to the nearest box I rip it open and scavenge through its belongings, finding her school stuff. I scurry to the next box and find pictures of our family and an assortment of books.

"No, no, no, no, no," I whisper to myself over and over.

One by one, I tear open all the boxes and look at all its contents, emptying the most important ones onto the ground. By the time I finish going through the last box there are belongings all over the ground and I grab at a bunch of them. Then I pour out the nearest box, all the items falling out banging on the ground and i wince at the sound. There's no doubt I just woke up mom but I didn't care, rather I quickly place the most meaningful items in it frivolously. As I reach for a photo of both of us when we were younger, I see a pair of feet in front of me and look up.