100 Days of AfroLatinidad

2nd Day

I grew up not being taught Spanish and then chose to refuse to speak Spanish.

The only person who had the privilege of hearing me speak it was my grandmother because I knew she wouldn't judge me. She knew I was trying my best. But for most of the time, I spoke to her in English and she spoke back to me in Spanish. She understood a good enough of English and I understood Spanish way better than I spoke it. That is still true to this day.

I think of how it didn't have to be this way. I could've been speaking Spanish as fluently as my other sisters. But they stood way more time with my grandmother growing up and I stood more time with my aunt and cousins. I don't remember much about that early part of my life in all honesty. But I do remember that I was never explicitly taught Spanish like I was taught English. Your mother will point at a cup and say "This is a cup!", but for some reason it wasn't like that when it came to Spanish. I just caught on and knew what was what. But speaking it? Never really happened to my knowledge.

I went to Puerto Rico plenty of times up until the age of 8 years old. Now I was spending more time with my grandmother because my mother was working and then got pregnant with my youngest sister. I remember being so curious about the Spanish language. I want to think I tried. I hope I tried. But I stopped trying once I got to elementary school, 1st grade to be specific.

"You CAN'T be Puerto Rican."
"You don't look like you CAN be Puerto Rican. You're lying."

I couldn't. So I stopped being it. I stopped trying to speak Spanish and let the crucial years of learning a language pass me by.

Constantly being told that I was just looking for attention when I said I was Puerto Rican, yet being asked for help in Spanish class because I was getting the highest scores was one of the biggest contradictions I have ever encountered in my life. Spanish class was the proof of my Hispanic identity.

My mother will tell just about anyone: "Oh no, she doesn't speak Spanish. Well only at home. She doesn't like how she sound." Then they look at me in pity and say: "You know speaking Spanish is important. It looks great when you apply to a job!"

Well I'm 10. Why the hell will I be applying to a job anytime soon?

But, of course, I didn't say that. I just nodded my head and ignored because deep down I wanted to yell out in anger: "IT'S BECAUSE OF PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE YOU IS WHY I STOPPED!"

But I didn't. Instead I said: "I know. I just sound weird."

Not only did I feel that  I sounded weird, it was embarrassing for me. I have a speech impediment and the way the Spanish language is set up makes it very difficult at times hence part of the reason why I sound weird.  My brain works faster than my mouth, so I speak hella fast and certain words I pronounce do not exit the mouth as smoothly as it should. The other reason is because I feel like I don't have the proper accent. So often I feel like people would think I'm faking my identity.

I finally got to high school, where the majority of it was Asian. When I got there, it's like something went off in my head. Instead of wanting to hide away who I was and relieve myself of the pressure of being called fake or an attention seeker, I now felt a lot of pressure to keep up with my identity and present it in any way possible. Now I didn't care how I sounded, just as long as people knew what I was and where my family comes from.

Being in high school opened me up to the world of social activism and activism pages due to the constant racism and micro-aggressions I endured for a painful four years. It also opened me up to the world of other Afro-Latine going through the exactly same problems I had growing up and still have.

The regret and guilt I built up over the years because I'm not a fluent Spanish speaker comes with the fact that I am an Afro-Latina. I have to constantly PROVE that I am a Latina instead of just being a Latina, which is just being me. I had to learn that people would come at me harder because I'm a Black Latina and question me way more than my white Latine.

Now I speak Spanish at work AND with my grandmother.