What is it
What is it that’s driving me so crazy right now
Thinking this kind of stuff
This is my older brother we’re talking about
I feel like I wanna hide and squeeze every bit of him
And please every bit of him
I’m just having this giant stream of thoughts
Every time I see him
When did this start?
Was it when we were exploring the forests of Polynesia and he handed me his jacket, and I felt goosebumps all over my body?
Was it when he got a girlfriend in high school and seeing them kiss made me sick to the stomach?
Or was it even before, when we went together everywhere, and he took my little hand in his
Well… we still go everywhere together…
He exits the room, heading towards to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He leaves me with these thoughts, staring at his bare back
It’s just that today it was too much. I made a joke about him having a crush on Aviva and he asked whether I was jealous
Yes – I said
Why, why, why did I say this, obviously he thinks I’m into Aviva but no, that’s not the case, why did I say yes?
And it hit me
I don’t think he realized but I was blushing, sweating, I felt like I was about to pass out
He just chuckled and the day went on
But I’m stuck here
I can’t even go to brush my teeth so I can go to sleep, he’s in the bathroom, I don’t wanna be near him
I wanna disappear
--
Yes, I realized he was blushing
He’s into her, what about it? That’s cute. I hope it works for them…
So why do I feel this void in my stomach?
Brush brush brush
He’s not coming
We usually brush out teeth together, like we do everything
Study, play, work, call mom, and even clip our toenails
Does he think I have feelings for Aviva too? I don’t… I never have, she’s just a friend
Chris, my little brother, he’s never had a girlfriend… I mean he was pretty close to once, but she had to move out to another city, that was back in highschool…
He’s not unattractive at all, he’s just so shy, I guess… and having a brother following him around all the time must be a huge turn off… I guess it’s kind of my fault… I sometimes overprotect him…
I spit the toothpaste out; I wash my face and dry it. It’s time to face him… Do I bring this up? Better not… I don’t feel like teasing him…
When I enter the bedroom he’s lying face down on my bed. My heartbeat quickens. He’s still dressed, only his shoes lying by the side of the bed
What’s wrong? – I sit by his side
Martin – he grabs my hand as he sits up, his eyes pointing anywhere but mine
What is it? – I respond. He looks like he’s been crying
… - he’s not saying anything, his breath is shaky, his hand, sweaty.
I think I know what this is about – I say – I’m not into Aviva, bro…
He looks surprised, but still isn’t saying anything. He climbs off the bed and goes to the bathroom. The door closes leaving the room in the darkness.
My heart feels just like this darkness, empty. He’s in love, my little brother has a crush, but it doesn’t feel right… why doesn’t it feel right?
I look at my right hand, the one Chris was holding, still warm from his touch, I look at the place he was lying on, my heart is racing, this isn’t happening
This can’t be what’s going on, he’s my brother
Little fragments of memories, Chris as a baby, as a kid, as a teenager
Always by my side, two hearts, a bond stronger than family
The door opens and light flows to the room, I look into his eyes and I know.
