These Scars Ain't Loyal // Cameron Dallas

✦8✦

I was trapped inside these four white walls and ceiling; these soft comfy white walls. I had to admit that my pillows back at home weren't this fluffy. Everytime I wake up staring at the same color, I feel a relief. For only a couple of minutes, the demons let me have my freedom before they take control, and I'm put back to sleep.

I have nightmares every time I'm put under; each time they get worse. I think it's becoming an unhealthy habit being drugged twice a day, because I'm pretty sure they're causing these nightmares. Dan beating me, my dad coming back home and ra_i_ng me, the scene with Mr. Proctor, the episode in the hospital, and so much more. The most recent ones are about suicide for the most part, but I never succeed; this brown haired boy always stops me. The weird part is, it's not Dan; how much I wish it could be Dan, to be honest.

The camouflaged door opened slightly, where my physiatrist, Nancy, walked in. She carried her brown messenger bag on her shoulder as she carried a tray with both hands as well. She sat the tray beside me and sat down with her bag in her lap. One of the doctors in white uniforms closed and locked the door shut with a loud buzz.

"Good afternoon, Briella. How are you feeling?" She asked with a sweet voice. I liked Nancy and I tried my best to behave for her so she could give an okay for my doctor to release me. I almost killed Nancy the last time she visited; that's why I have paper plates and cups served with my food, and plastic silverware (if I'm even lucky to get silverware).

I answered honestly in my sleepy shaking voice, "I'm tired."

"Too many drugs?" She grinned. I nodded as we both giggled a bit. I enjoyed Nancy's company because she was so sweet, and most importantly, she understood me. When I first met her, she explained her story to me as I was strapped in a chair and forced to listen; I just never expected to get something out of it. Nancy use to be just like me, so I now know at least that I am not, and never was, alone.

I glanced down at the tray. I was fed three times a day, sometimes once if I was seriously that out of control. I know I'm making myself sound like a terrible five-year-old with issues, but I am really that damaged mentally from all of past trauma and the harassment at school. An apple, a paper cup full of water, a medicine cup with my medication, and a waffle covered in syrup and butter with a plastic fork.

"I put some extra syrup on there for you, I thought you might like that." She tried to make eye contact with me as I continued to stare at the paper plate of food. I finally looked away from the pate to look down at my handcuffed hands and my white hospital uniform. I knew one day I would look like this.

'You don't deserve to eat.' They said as I took a pound of pain through my head.

"Shut up." I mumbled. I took a deep breathe and stretched my legs out. It felt so good to stretch, especially when you can only put yourself in so many positions.

Nancy patted my chins. "Are they talking to you again?" I nodded as I continued to stare at my hands. "It's okay, let them speak."

I focused on the wall, past Nancy's face, letting them sink in.

'Long time no talk you worthless piece of garbage.' They hissed at me, and I can feel their sharp teeth dig into my skin. I whimpered and pulled my knees up to my chest as I wrapped my connected arms around my legs.

"What did they say, Briella?" She scooted closer. Soon enough the demons became an appearance rather than just a voice. I could see a dark figure beside me, placing their hand on my shoulder.

'Don't worry, we can be worthless garbage together. Our lives have no meaning.'

I swatted the foggy black figure's hand off of me. "I'm not worthless garbage."

Nancy nodded with a smile emerging on her face. "That's good. Fight the urge and temptation, Briella. You can do it."

I looked at the monster that stood next to me in it's faded glowing eyes. It cocked it's head at me in question. Its eyes transitioned to Nancy then back at me. It bear crawled over behind her, and I watched as it stood up tall behind her. I became scared very easily when it wrapped its hands around her neck and snapped it.

"No!!" I screamed reaching out to her lifeless body.

"Are you okay?" Nancy asked me cocking an eyebrow. I had a sigh of relief; they were just tricking me again.

"I-I don't know what's real anymore." I stuttered shakishly. She offered me my waffle, and I accepted it, chewing ever so slowly to savor each bite. Each day I learned how to become more in control of my actions and the temptations the voices pushed towards. But as I learned how to do that, the monsters learned some things as well: they could now mess with my reality and make me see things. Now that this has happened, I've actually become even crazier.

Nancy says that it is normal; to become strong, you have to break. I feel great knowing I'm becoming stronger. But there are, however, some breaking points in these baby stepped lessons.

"I want to see Dan." I demanded. I felt the monster crawl its way back inside of me, because I started to shake, my lips quivered, and my fingers twitched. Every time this happens, they take control, and I thrash out at Nancy.

"Dan can't see you until a few more weeks, Briella. I'm sorry." Nancy half smiled as she pulled out her notebook and jotted down a few new things that have probably happened today. I was completely, and utterly, proud that I was making progress, but they were coming; they were tempting me to fight. They want pain.

"I don't care, I want to see Dan. And Serenity. I want my mom!" I placed my connected hands on my head, grasping the roots of hair nervously.

"Briella. Briella, listen to me. You have to stay strong, you have to fight them. Do not listen to them, they are only your imagination of past pain. Let it all go and fight them."

"I need to cut!" I screamed. I clenched my hair tighter, the pain throbbing in my skull. I try to keep it under control but I wanted to hurt myself so badly; I wanted to give in. No one could save me, not even Nancy.

I took deep breathes and pinned myself up against the white cushioned wall. I turned my attention up towards the camera that was recording and watching everything that was going on in here.I looked at Nancy as I hissed through my teeth in need of help.

"Please, Nancy," I begged. "Just let me die. I don't deserve to live."

She shook her head at me, taking a glance down at her watch and then writing something else down in her notebook. "I can't let you do that, Ella. You are a wonderful, and special person. You need to get better, and I'm going to help you."

I finally snapped; I couldn't help it. "You know what? Fuck you! I don't need your stupid help and your stupid medication to help me! I was fine the way I was! There is no reason for me to be in here! I want out!" I pounded my fists on the cushioned floor in anger.

She looked at me in shock with wide eyes. I don't understand because I always acted this way when I couldn't hold back the pain and rage anymore.

Throwing my head back against the wall a few times, I finally let the tears slip out. Nancy inched her way beside me, where the monster had once stood not too long ago.

I didn't trust her to save me. Sure, she understands me but I don't want to open up to some person that could care less about my well being. She might have advice for me but that doesn't mean it will work or even help. I mean look at the "tricks" to help stop cutting or feeling the urge to slide and dig that blade into your layers of skin! You have the red paint or pen trick which does not help at all; it just makes the urge ten times worse. You have the stupid wristband trick. It works for some people but I fell in love with the sight of blood. I sound like a vampire, don't I? Maybe I am. Nah, I wish.

I started to calm myself down with memorized lyrics. "A-M-E-R-I-C-A, A! Home of the free, the sick, and depraved! A-M-E-R-I-C-A, A! So why the fuck are you looking at me?" God, I love Motionless In White.