I got a little mad when I read that. To be completely honest, I wanted to bash Mr. Proctor's pretty little baby-face in.
"I just.. didn't want you to worry and now you're probably flipping the fuck out and wanting to bash his testicles in as of right now. I'm sorry but I handled it. I refuse to be the one to tell you his classroom number." I sent to his phone and put at the top of my locker so I can change for class. Today we were playing volleyball with the guys. I just hope Dan isn't in P.E. this period. I took my white blouse off after unbottoning it and dropped it onto the ground. I took my blue tank top off and then my leggings, revealing my red bra and red underwear. I know, people say "red means she wants to be in control." I completely agree. I do like being in control.
To be honest, that's why I'm okay with cutting myself. Do not ever do it to yourself though. You will regret it. It's the worst thing you could possibly do. "It'll be a one time thing. It's not a big deal." That's what I said. Then I ended up- Oh my god did he really just walk into the fucking locker room? I haven't even changed yet! Damn him.
"Tell. Me. Where. His. Classroom. Is. Now." he immediately said through gritted teeth and then looked me up and down and stopped at my fresh cuts.
"Why the fuck did you think that was such a great idea? Ugh." I started to put my yoga pants on.
"Ella, why does it look like you cut yourself? What is going on?" I could see the pain in his eyes. Did he loose a family member or friend to self harm or has he personally experienced the pain himself? I walked up to him after completely pulling my pants up.
"Dan, I-" I paused, opened my mouth and decided not to say what sounded good at first. I started to cry and he grabbed my hands, entangling our fingers.
"Ella, don't do that to yourself. It' s not healthy and it shouldn't be happening to someone as beautiful as yourself." I took my hand back and slapped him and then walked away, pulling my shirt on. I could hear him walking behind me so I turned around.
"Don't lie to me. Nobody at this school likes me. I was hoping you wouldn't find out so soon. Dan, I'm not beautiful. Serenity Jones is beautiful, Rose Tyler is beautiful, Avril Lavigne is beautiful but I am not. I j-" Dan cut me off with a kiss. Damn it. I thought I was the most hated but in the past twenty-four hours I've been kissed by three different people! It was different this time.
His lips were soft, we were in sync, at the moment his lips touched mine I wanted more. He must have been able to tell that I wanted more because at that moment I could feel the smile through the kisses and he lifted me up, causing me to wrap my legs around his waste. God damn it, Dan!
"Dan, stop." I demanded him and he paused, talking in between kisses.
"Huh? What's wrong, sweetheart?" He asked me, sounding concerned.
"We just met! That's what's wrong! Just put me down. Please?" He listened to me and put me down.
"Text me when you get home. Okay?" I looked at him for a minute.
"Yeah. I'll text you. Later, Dan." I went back over to my locker and changed back into my original outfit and noticed Mr. Proctor standing behind me after I buttoned one of the buttons at the bottom. I turned around. "What do you want?" I asked, rolling my eyes, and sounding sick to my stomach.
"Check your neck, you whore." I slapped him and pinned him down on the ground.
"Stay away from me." I saw him staring at my chest and sighed, sat up on his lap and attempted to stand up when he got a grip onto my thighs. When will he give up? "Didn't I tell you to stop this when you put your hands on me in your classroom? Christ." I spit in his face after slapping him. I stood up and exited the locker room after I finished buttoning by blouse. What is wrong with the people in this place? It's like they're all testing my anger repeatedly.
I took my headphones out and started listening to Motionless In White - Devil's Night. I loved this song. "I know the only words that you have for me are 'Give up,' and 'Get out.'" Wow. It's amazing how you can listen to music when you're happier than usual and just listen to the beat but when you're upset you realize what they're actually saying and you listen to the lyrics.
When I got outside of the school I decided I would skip tomorrow. I don't want to deal with this bullshit tomorrow. I'm sure you wouldn't like this treatment either. Am I right? I think I am.
Apperently I got caught up in my thoughts on the bus because the next thing I knew I was walking up the aisle and then down the stairs. Now it's time to get yelled at for whatever reason she finds this time.
My mother walked up to me and I looked into her eyes; they weren't bloodshot. What is going on?
"You're home." I heard her say in an excited tone and then felt her arms around me. It's like she knew I needed a hug right now. I hugged her back and held back my tears, squeezing her tightly.
"Hi, Ma." She pulled back and then looked down at my outfit and told me to follow her. I got worried when she ordered me to follow her. What could it possibly be? We stopped in her room and she moved out of my way, making me look at her bed. Where did she find them? I haven't even realized that I had that many.
"Ma, what were you doing in my room? And my personal bathroom?"
"Sweetheart, I haven't anything to do today so I decided to clean your room, until I found these. I counted them too. Why do you have thirty-seven blades in your room?" She looked at me and I looked down, holding back my tears. I knew she already knew the answer. She's seen scars before and she's heard the rumors before. Why make this hard?
"Mom, I know you know what I've been doing with those. I know you can see the blood stains. Why ask when you already know?" What she didn't know, though, is that there are more blades where that came from. I have a tiny ass safe that my bed covers up. She doesn't know the combination nor does she know of it. There's a jewelry box full of em in that safe. All of which I haven't used. They were back ups if I felt I really needed to self harm but I had all of the blades confiscated.
"What could be so bad that you stoop so low to ruin your beautiful tan skin?" That pissed me off.
"Are you forgetting the shit that goes on at school? Huh, Mom? Are you forgetting everything you would say and do to me when you're wasted?"
She slapped me after I said that and it shocked me because she wanted to know what causes me to harm myself in a physical way. She then looked at her hand like she was shocked with herself also.
"I didn't mean to-"
"It's fine, Mom." I kissed her cheek and left her room, going down the corridor and then entering my room before locking the door. I moved my bed forward and put in the combination, 13-22-03, taking the jewelry box out after texting Dan.
"Hey, Dan! I'm gonna be a bit busy so if I don't text you back immediately then that would be why." I took out the biggest blade I had and stared at it.
"Come on, sweetheart. Just one cut. One cut doesn't mean anything compared to what you've done before." My concious was saying.
I took my leggings off and left my underwear on, also taking my top off.
"You'll be fine." I whispered to myself and then took my phone out, blasting Marianas Trench. The first song just happened to be "Skin and Bones."
I took the blade and violently stabbed my left thigh. God this hurt but felt so good. I shouldn't find pleasure in something this painful. I continued the cut in a vertical fashion. I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall down and, without being aware, cut at least four inches long. I looked down at my work and stretched the cut out, trying to accurately find out how deep the cut was.
I've never cut so deep. God damn it! The blood is rapidly spilling out of my thigh. I'll just stitch it myself. But how am I supposed to get the needle and thread when it won't stop? I don't want to lose too much blood. Fuck! I forgot that my sheets are white.
I heard a knock on my door and hid the jewelry box in the safe again and trying to move my bed back. Once I got my bed back into place, my mother broke my door down.
I started to lose my sight and fell back onto my bed, feeling my mom's hands on my face and her tears soaking into my bra. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital.
