Alluring Javis Leoniro

Chapter 25

I'm lost. I'm stuck. I'm out of nowhere, but I still need to move forward because life doesn't have a pause button for me. 

Even if I want to disappear, even if I want everything to stop... even if I want all the pain to be gone... that's not it. Life isn't easy. 

But I cried. If I let everything out... maybe it will lessen just for a while, right? 

I keep brushing my hands on my face to wipe away all the tears. 

"Tangina, bakit ba hindi tumitigil." I sarcastically laughed. 

"S-Shantal..." 

I couldn't stop these tears, so I used my hands to cover my whole face. I feel so pathetic. 

"It's been two days and you still haven't visited your parents' and Yra's funerals." I heard how he is hesitant and careful with his words but still decides to say them.

It's been two days since my dad and mom died. It's been two days since I last read Yra's letter to me. 

"Jandro, just let her. She needs to breathe. I'm sure she'll visit them soon. We will just stay by her side."

Niley my common friend and Cricia... Jandro's cousin.

It turns out that they are best friends too, and they saw me and Jandro inside of this bar. Yesterday, and now they are here with us again. 

But I'm thankful they didn't ask about what happened, they just knew that all the people I treasured were gone... and that's enough reason for them to know what I've been through. 

"But I won't tolerate her drinking too much liquor," I heard Jandro speak while looking at the two. 

"You see, her palms are still covered with bandages." I looked at my hands now that Jandro had added it. "And she just had her fever... hindi pwede na lasing pa siya nang lasing." 

Natawa ako bigla sa sinabi ni Jandro. Bigla silang tatlong sabay-sabay na napatingin sa akin na may pagtataka sa mukha. 

"I just want to forget everything just for tonight... and liquor would do that for me, so please... just for t-tonight," I pleaded. 

There, I saw pity in their eyes as they stared at me. 

Sinubsob ko ang aking ulo sa bar counter at muling humagulgol. 

"Ang s-sakit kasi... h-hindi ko na k-kaya yung sakit," mahinang bulong ko sa aking sarili.

I'm close to giving up... no. I badly want to give up everything. Hindi ko na alam anong gagawin ko. 

I took a deep breath. I need to pull myself together. This is not me. 

Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo at tinitigan ang tatlong kasama ko na sinamahan ako. 

Tumikhim muna ako sa pinunasan ang pisngi ko na may bakas pa ng luha. "I'm fine. You should go now. Uuwi na ako."

"But Shantal--" pinutol ko na ang susunod pang sasabihin ni Niley

"No, I'm really fine. For now, I want to be alone. Hindi rin ako lasing, kaya ko ang sarili ko."  

Nakipag talo pa sila sa akin, lalo na si Jandro. 

"We will just drive you home to keep you safe," Jandro added while arguing with me. 

"I said, I'm fine. I don't need someone, okay? I don't need you, so please!" Bigla ko na lang nasabi ang mga salitang 'yon sa kanya. 

I saw how the pain crossed his eyes when he heard me shout. I didn't mean it, but I don't have the courage to take it back.

That's why I really don't want to get eaten by my own emotions. Hindi ko na alam yung mga salitang nasasabi ko.