Left with no choice (Completed)

12

TW: Self harm

"You should eat..."

Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang mga pambabaeng damit na dapat ay masusuot ng anak ko kung hindi ako nagpabaya. She could have been alive, she could have been here with us.

My tears didn't stop falling as I hugged the clothes we bought for her. "I'm sorry," I repeated. I should have been careful more, I should have known.

Patuloy ang pag-iyak ko ng maramdaman ko ang katawan ni Davon. He hugged me tightly but I just cried as much as I can like the previous weeks.

"It's not your fault," his voice mirrors my emotion. Mas lalo akong napaiyak doon. I bit my lip as my tears renewed. Hindi ko alam kung may balak pa ba ang mata ko tumigil sa pag-iyak. "Please eat, baby. You won't be able to see our baby if you didn't take care of yourself."

How can I?

Can I even face my baby knowing I'm the only reason why he won't meet his twin?

I shook my head.

That day should be happy, we had him... but we lost his sister. Bakit ganoon? Bakit tuwing dapat masaya ay palaging may kaakibat agad na kapalit? I should have been celebrating because of our baby boy, but I'm mourning right now.

When can I smile without an exchange? Bakit laging mas malakas 'yung lungkot? Why does sadness overpower everything?
Hindi ko magawang ngumiti sa pagdating niya dahil kasabay noon ay pagkuha sa amin ng isa.

What have I done in the past to deserve this?

"B-bakit l-lagi ako nawawalan, D-Davon?" Punong-puno ng hinanakit na tanong ko. "B-bakit laging may kinukuha sa akin? Ano b-bang ginawa ko?"

Humagulgol ako, hindi ko kayang pigilan. Ang bigat-bigat sa dibdib. Ang sama-sama ko siguro. Hindi ako nag-ingat e, sana buhay din siya.

"A-ako na lang sana... 'yung n-nawala.."

"Shhh. Don't say that." Inilayo niya ako ng bahagya at pinunasan ang mga luha ko. It's useless, my tears won't stop falling. Titigil lang ito kapag napagod na ako uli at makakatulog na lang.

I stared at the mirror for too long, sa sobrang tagal doon ko lang napansin ang laki ng pagbabago sa akin. My skin is as pale as before, I wasn't that skinny anymore but my undereye gets dark.

I opened the faucet and gathered a water on my palm to wash my face. Sa pagpikit ko ay naalala ko ang mukha ng isang sanggol. My tears flowed again. I opened my eyes and scanned the whole bathroom.

I saw a flower vase, mabilis akong lumapit at binasag iyon. Namili ako ng medyo kalakihang parte, it's sharp. It would be enough. I positioned it to my pulse at my wrist, pumikit ako ng mariin habang inaalala ang sanggol na wala sa tabi ko dahil sa sarili kong kapabayaan.

I pressed the ceramic glass harder on my wrist. Napaigik ako ng maramdaman ko ang pagbaon nito.

"Mama?"

I gulped as I heard a little boy's voice.

"My sister left me..."

I bit my lip as I realized who is he talking too. Diniin ko pa ang basag sa pulso ko habang umiiyak. "It's m-my fault, I-I'm sorry..."

"Are you going to leave me too, mama?"

Bumigat ang paghinga ko.

"You'll leave me too?"

"Iiwan mo ako, mama..."

Nabitawan ko ang basag ng biglang napalitan ng iyak ang sanggol ang paligid, it's his cry when I birthed him. I can hear pain and agony along with it.