Quakity x Voldemort

The Divorce

Mr. Moldy Voldy was getting sick of being married to Quakity. He decides to text him and break up. 

Voldykins: i hate u. we r over. im leavin' u for Edward Cullen. bye lol. 

Quakity: Yeah... good luck with that, I've actually been having an affair with Edward and cheating on you, so...

Voldemark: u no what? im gonna sleep w ur dad, and u cant do anything ab it. MUAHHAHAHA

Quakity: You literally have no nose, why tf would my dad be interested in you. You ugly whore.

Vomitmort: i bet edward likes me more than u. 

Quakity: Alrighty then, let's meet up in Forks and talk this over. 

So Voldemort puts on his most fashionable sunglasses and goes to Forks. 

Edward is waiting for them in the field without his shirt on and sparkling. 

"Hello, I've been waiting for you two," Edward says seductively.

" Edward, cut the drama, who do you like best me, or," *gags*, "Voldemort."

" Well considering the given circumstances, those of which being Bella, and the fact that I can't choose between you to, I will have to say no to both of you."

"NO!" Jacob runs through the trees, "Edward! I love you! You are my calling! I should've never forcefully kissed Bella and then fell in love with her newborn baby! I love you more!" 

"Oh, Jacob, I have longed for you ever since we met long ago..."

They embrace and fall on the floor and have sex. 

"Sooo, can I join?" Voldemort says.

"No, my body is a temple, reserved for Jacob to say his prayers, you- a plebeian- a commoner, will not walk upon the luscious grass of my temple, you- a peasant, will never worship my tree, for it is growing for Jacob, and Jacob only," Edward says. 

So Quakity and Voldemort go back to their house and finalize their divorce. Quakity signs the paper with tears in his eyes as he remembers the time when Voldemort threatened to bash his head in with a brick, wow- those were the good times.