In Love, On Drugs

the feeling

I can't properly describe the feeling it gives me.

I wouldn't even wish the greatest high on anyone if that meant they started.

The weed wasn't bad. It made me calm. Nothing in my life is calm.

But then I'd have too much. I'd always have too much.

It's a spinning sensation then. Your legs feel like you have no control over them. You're powerless.

It's a different kind of negative thoughts.

I guess it's true what they say; weed is a gateway drug.

The Xanax was different, heavier.

My words were slower, my actions draining.

Nobody liked me much when I was on them.

LSD, that one was one of my favourites.

It was a true escape, a fantasy in my head. My reality.

I spiralled into psychosis. I wasn't stable enough for it.

Coke. I didn't usually have enough cash for coke.

The cash wasn't worth the feeling either.

Meth, meth was a bad one.

It gave me energy, something I rarely had without. 

I was confident, and happy.

I thought it made me better.

It didn't.

But heroin, that's when I experienced true euphoria.

I was addicted from my first try.

It made me feel on top of the world.

I don't even know how to describe it. It made me feel like a shooting star. Like I had just won the olympics. Cured cancer. It felt like someone had injected me with the best parts of each drug all at once.

The come downs were the worst though.

Nausea, breathing trouble, itchiness, fever, aches, depression and heightened anxiety.

But I couldn't stop, I just couldn't stop using.

My arms were so incredibly cut, so poked at.

It only bothered those around me. It didn't bother me.

None of the drugs were worth the comedowns. 

Or the way it made me look and act.

Or how it made others around me feel.

Like I said, I wouldn't wish even my greatest high on anyone, even my worst enemy.