Remember These Feelings.

Let's Play A Game

Let's play a game of
Am I unhappy in this relationship
Or am I just depressed?

I got to his house today after work and I felt absolutely no hype once I saw him
I don't know if I just got hit by a wave of sad because I'm emotionally exhausted right now
Or if it's him

But there's a second part,
Am I emotionally exhausted because I'm an undiagnosed mentally ill person
Or because I have to deal with him.

But I don't.
Have to deal with him.

I can leave, I can call it quits.
A part of me thinks I should, a part of me always thinks I should.

But a part of me wants to stay

I don't know if I love him or if I love the idea of him.

My sexy man. My gorgeous specimen that every girl probably wants. But he's mine.

Am I attached because I don't want anyone else to have him or am I attached because I'm attached.

It happens from time to time that
I don't really feel seen
I feel like I'm doing so much to make him happy and forsaking my own interests and even my own life.

I don't want my world to revolve around him.
I want to feel seen.
I want him to ask about my day and actually care what I have to say, the stories I have to tell.

I don't feel that.
I tried to tell him about my day at work, he cut me off to tell me about his stuff. I got upset by that and voiced it. He asked me to tell him, I told him a bit that I thought might entice him an he forgot about it.
We didn't end up talking about me.

I thought maybe it's finally the time to meet my dad, and he blew me off for a poker tournament. I don't think he understands how much that hurt me and I don't think he cares.

I've tried to voice this. But I don't want to fight.
I think we might have to.
When I try and explain how his behaviour and attitude hurts me, I feel like I'm scolding a child and it goes directly out of his head.

I
Dont
Feel
Seen.

I
Dont
Feel
Heard.

I don't feel important.

And he doesn't help that claim by saying "It's okay, I'll find someone else."

And I don't know what to do.
I genuinely don't.

So for now I'm going to sleep this off.
See if that helps.

If it doesn't, I'm fighting and leaving tomorrow.

Or... I'll try.