For You (DISCONTINUED)

Three

The sun peaked through my window, causing me to squint and roll over, completely forgetting about the welts that made themselves at home on my back. I winced and blinked back the tears that swelled in my tired eyes, finally returning to my original position, laying on my right side. I glanced at the alarm clock that sat on my nightstand but my eyes quickly drifted to the picture of you that sat next to it. Your caramel hair blew slightly in the breeze. Your eyes looked like ice crystals, not grey but not exactly blue. You wore a smile that stretched from ear to ear, your dimples barely visible. You sat under Finn the tree, the one you would never leave because you thought he would have felt neglected. Finn was the thing you loved almost more than anything, almost more than me. I never realized why, I don't think you ever told me before you left. Fuck, it still hurts to admit that you're gone.

***

I sat on the couch, with my knees tucked close to my chest. I was listening to Keith, the group facilitator. "Talking about your loss won't fix it. It won't change the fact that you lost someone so dear to you, but you will learn how to cope with it. You'll learn how to talk about your loss without bursting into tears, which isn't something everyone is comfortable doing in front of other people. We're here to help you, not to guide you, but to keep you between the lines." It hit me. Right then, it hit me that you're never going to come back. You're gone from the hell hole I'm slowly suffocating in and it's now darker than ever. So fuck you. Fuck you for leaving me when you promised you'd always stay. Fuck you for causing me so much pain. But most of all, fuck you for ending the life that belonged to a mind that cared. You cared. You always considered everyone's reactions and took into consideration how it would effect them. Did you ever think of the ways I would react? Did you ever think that this would cause me to want to do the same? You were the reason I kept breathing for all those years. Now I have nothing. So fuck you for that too.

**

My gaze drifted out the window, as the trees we passed collided with one another. I hated this drive, not because it was long and tiring, but because the destination isn't any place I want to be at for a very long time. The closer we get, the sweatier my palms get. I hate this, I fucking hate it. It doesn't do me any good, all it does is remind me that you're gone. Not just gone for a week or so, but gone forever. Isn't that what a headstone symbolizes?

The last time I was here, I watched from a distance as they lowered you into the ground. I was in denial. I refused to believe you were in that casket, decending into the moist earth. Why'd you do it? Why did you leave me here alone? I loved you. I still do. That note you left, apologizing for all the pain you had caused me, that did it. That was the last straw. How the fuck could you leave me here?!

***

I didn't want to be here. I couldn't take it. As I sat beside you, I traced my fingers over your headstone, spelling out your name, Austin. How could you be down there, buried under feet of dirt? Everyone else sat in the car, giving me some time alone with you. Or what was left of you. Does a headstone actually count as a part of someone? To be fucking honest, I didn't even care. I was here and you were not and that was black and white. Like hot and cold, or up and down. I was here and you were not. I finally realized that. But just because I realized it doesn't mean I don't fucking hate it. It hurt like hell to know you aren't coming back.

Why? That's all I ask myself now. Why did you do it? Why did you put the gun to your own head? Why did you pull the fucking trigger?! Oh my fucking god Austin! I loved you! Am I not good enough?! Jesus Christ. It's happening again. I looked down at my hands and they were shaking, I think. I couldn't really tell because my vision was overcome by tears. As they poured down my face, I kept my hand on your headstone.

"Dani! We don't have all fucking day!" I quickly bent down and placed a kiss on your headstone. "I love you.. Forever and always." I mumbled, before wiping my face with my sleeve. I gathered myself and stood up, swaying a bit as I made my way back to the car.

It was my fault. It was my fault you took your life. If I hadn't gotten pissed off at you for not telling me you were moving, then you would still be here. Why the fuck would that be a good enough reason to take your own life Austin? Was I a disgrace to you? Did you dig yourself into a hole too deep and couldn't climb back out? Because I know how that feels, and it fucking sucks. You took your own life because of me. I have to be the reason, no one else is stepping up. What the hell am I going to do with myself? How the fuck could I have done this?

As a million thoughts ran through my head, I sat in the back seat of the car and stared out the window. My eyes were bloodshot and my sweater had tear stains on it but I didn't care. I just didn't fucking care anymore. You are gone, forever. And I took your life away. I had to of Austin. There is no other possible solution.

***

That night, as I sat on my bed, I wrote. I wrote to you, apologizing for taking you away. I can't say it enough. I'm so sorry Austin. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I change my ways? I fucking hate myself. I shut the notebook and set it on the nightstand. Inside were letters. Letters to my parents, to my best friend Kendra, to Austin.

I quietly walked to the bathroom, making sure to keep my feet off of the creaking wood planks. I have no idea why the fucking floor creaks, but it does and that noise could ruin this. I shut the door after I walked through it, quickly locking it. I leaned against it as my eyes filled with tears. They didn't start falling until after I had slid down the door and buried my face in my knees. I had to do this. I had to.

I stood up and walked over to the medicine cabinet that held the razor. I was scared. Really fucking scared but I knew you would be waiting for me. I opened the cabinet door, in a hurry to find the razor. I tore the medicine cabinet apart before coming up empty. They moved it. They moved the only thing connecting me to Austin. Jesus Fucking Christ.