Random thoughts by me

8/09/21

First day of my senior year.
Fuck.
I feel like my parents have always set these high amazing expectations of me and I always want to uphold them. And so they become expectations from my other family members, and my peers, and my friends, and everyone around me. They see how I can tackle so many things without crackling under the pressure until they don't realize that I am cracking but it's so faint that neither of us see. Everyone expects me to be this hard exterior cool girl who is super intimidating because that's what I have been taught to be like, that's how I was taught to act. I live in a hick ass school and I am a narcissist but I clearly know that I am smarter, prettier, and cooler than 99% of the people here. And they know it too.
We have outlaws and ghettos, drug babies and undiagnosed special needs. A classmate of mine didn't know what novel meant, and another one had never heard of the word platonic. And I never realize the bullshit until it's already happened. I just see it as a normal situation and then I casually bring it up to someone and they get deeply concerned snd I'm always confused. Because apparently it's not normal for your first day of highschool for you to be kicked out of the counselors office, then not given a correct schedule where I'm put in the wrong GRADE for one of my classes, and they just happen to forget to tell me about the password changes, and managers completely forgetting that I am there. Apparently that isn't a normal day for people. That is what's known as a super shitty day. But to me that happens almost everyday. And I don't do anything to provoke it, it just happens everywhere I go. People give me the most impossible tasks and expect me to do them and then treat me like I'm an insignificant child. And I can never be taken seriously and I have to fight so hard everyday to be seen as a peer. To be seen as everyone else. And today it's just so frustrating to see it happen over and over and over. And I think that it must happen to everyone and I'm being over dramatic. But Everytime I mention these things they have never even heard of someone being treated like this ever. Let alone often. It's not just this school, I've been to 10 different schools. They have all been the same. For me to get what I want and need I have to fight so hard. If I would have just let my counselors and teachers decide my schedule alone I would be 5 classes behind. Which is what they are trying to do this year and I have to fight and argue with teachers everyday this week just to be taken seriously. I don't know what it is about me that people find so gullible. They act like they can tell me anything and I will just go along with it. And I have accepted that it must just be something with me or my personality that makes everyone do this to me. But it gets so annoying. I'm so tired of having to fight 10x more than everyone else just to get the same fucking rights. I have to fight for everything, I fight so much I don't even see it as fighting it's just how it is. I don't understand. Why. Why does nobody take me seriously. Maybe it's because I'm the only liberal person here and am for sure the most eccentric person at the school, they assume I'm a useless bimbo. But they should see from day 1 that I'm not I just like to present myself like I actually like myself. But they never get that. They never understand. Until I have to break down and make their life a living hell just trying to prove to them that I'm not some worthless chick. I am someone too. Once I find the few people that don't do this to me and never tried I love them so much, and I never understood why or how I got so attached to these people, but I realized it's because they treated me like a human. My past two English teachers saw me and saw my potential, (maybe it's because I'm really good at English) but I've always been borderline obsessed with them because they were one of the maybe 3-4 teachers that ever did that to me. To treat me like I'm me. And I will never have the balls to say that to them but i hope they know that I am eternally grateful for their kindness, sympathy, and maybe even pity. I think teachers and students and family assumes I'm an idiot and when I prove them wrong they get pissed and try to bring me down a peg. But it never works because I can be really smart when I want to be, and motivation to make someone look like a fucking fool is astounding. I love my girlfriend so much for this. She never once acted like that, and I know deep down she sees me and she loves me, not my image, not my body, not what I can do for her benefit, me.