TommyInnit's unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death // ao3 reupload

Chapter 27: I Used To Hear A Simple Song

"Wilbur, you dickhead! Let me go!" Tommy half screams, half laughs. He writhes in his brother's arms as Wilbur holds him in a headlock.

"You've stolen my hoodie again, tell me where it is or else," Wilbur threatens, tightening his arms.

"Ah, Wil, can you refrain from killing your brother, mate. Thanks," Their father hums absentmindedly from the living room, a book in one hand.

"Dad! Dad! Save me!" Tommy warbles, "He's gonna kill me, Dad! I'm going to die!"

"Where is my hoodie you little shit?"

"No swearing at your brother, Wil."

"He deserves it. Where's my hoodie? I'll delete all of your Minecraft worlds," Wilbur promises darkly.

Tommy freezes. Shit.

"Okay, okay," He gasps, repeatedly tapping on his brother's arm. "I'll- I'll tell you," He chokes.

Wilbur loosens his grip minutely, raising an eyebrow, "Go on?"

"It's- It's under my bed," Tommy breathes heavily.

Wilbur narrows his eyes before nodding, "You better not be lying you little sh-"

"Wilbur."

"You little gremlin."

Tommy looks at his brother solemnly, "I would never lie, Wilbur, who do you take me for?"

"A child," Wilbur retorts immediately before letting the boy go, "If it's not under your bed, I swear to g-"

"Yeah, yeah," Tommy rolls his eyes, "Just go get it, Wil."

Tommy watches his brother dart off into the hallway and resists a grin.

"Did you lie to him, mate?"

"Absolutely," Tommy confesses.

His father sighs, "Why are you and Wil always arguing? I swear you two got along great when you were a baby-" The man pauses, "Actually, no wait, you've always argued."

"Wilbur is such a shitty-"

"No swearing, Tommy."

"How comes Wilbur can swear?!" Tommy throws his hands up in outrage. Utterly offended.

"He's not allowed to swear at you, but well, I can't really police his language anymore- he's nearly eighteen, mate."

What a stupid excuse. Tommy scowls. "This is discrimination against the ages," He accuses his father, pointing a judging finger towards the man.

The man hums in amusement, turning to face his son, "Is it now?"

"Yes," Tommy huffs, "Let me swear."

"Maybe when you are a teenager," His father sighs.

"Wait, really?" Tommy gasps.

The man seems to be regretting his words, "Maybe Wilbur's age."

"No, no!" Tommy protests, "You said a teenager. I'm thirteen next year," Tommy grins toothily, braces showing.  "You can't take it back!"

"Mate-"

"Tommy, you fucking gremlin! Where is my hoodie?!"

Tommy lets out a scream of fear.

"Dad, save me!"

"You brought this on yourself, mate."

_______

"Did you know, that if the teacher doesn't come in fifteen minutes, we can legally go home," Tommy informs his friends.