Save Me

Chapter 9

Dear Kaye,

    To my lovely unofficial and non-biological daughter, how are you? I hope you’re doing well when you read this but that would be insensitive of me, right? Because if you’re reading this letter then that means I passed away. I’m sorry I can’t be by your side anymore. I wish I had more time. I would have loved to see you grow, to live your dreams and maybe even find some you’ll love. But I left you instead, will you ever forgive me? 

Don’t blame yourself. Please, don’t, never do that. My death isn’t your fault, it’s not something that you should blame yourself for. I accept it wholeheartedly, Kaye. That sounds kind of selfish, huh? I’m sorry. This old man is just happy that you’re finally free.

I want you to mourn for me. I want you to cry, let it all out, Kaye. It’s alright to feel those emotions. It’s what makes you human, so don’t bottle it up. I know I’m not there to hug you whenever you get sad but I will forever be in your heart. So mourn. You’re allowed to cry, wail, be sad and be angry. Let those emotions out and then I want you to move on. You know why? Because hanging on to me will only destroy you slowly and I don’t want that to ever happen.

I know you’re strong. You’re a tough girl but don’t be hard too hard on yourself, alright? I’m not there to scold you when you do stupid things. I’m not there to flick your forehead when you overthink. I’m not there to remind you to go to sleep when you get caught up playing with the cats. I’m not there to patch you up when you get hurt. I’m not there to protect you anymore but you know what? Those memories will remain with you. So, I want you to hang on those joyful memories instead of the agonizing things we’ve been through.

I want you to remember me and smile. I want you to tell the funny adventures that we did to your future friends. I want you to tell the stories I told you to the younger kids you’ll meet. I want to be a happy memory to you. I don’t want to add to your painful memories. I want to be something that you can look back into whenever you feel down and then give you strength. I want to be one of the stars that light your night, not the monsters that lurk in the bushes.

Do you remember when we first met? You were just a tiny little thing back then, barely even reaching my waist and now you’ve grown. You know, I was glad that I met you. Yes, even if I became trapped with Alexander because I have a little brat that pesters me every single day to play. I was depressed back then, I’m sure you noticed that because you always asked me, “Eric, who hurt you? Can you tell me? I will scold them!” Brave little thing you are.

I just lost a part of me and then I found you and no matter how small you are, somehow you filled that space. I remember thinking back then that you were just a spoiled brat with how lavish you dress but I was wrong. Really wrong. You were a pure child with a big heart. Willing to help a stranger like me who just happened to unluckily stumbled upon a devil’s nest. When I got to know you I thought “How did an angel like you get here?” I was wondering how can you smile at me like that when I finally found out what he did to you.

Then you slowly changed but I can still see that child in you. A small part of her is still burning inside and then I found a goal in my no direction life. I want to keep that small fire alive. I want to protect you. But I did a terrible job at it. I have no power. I’m not strong as you. I can’t protect you from them. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a coward. I’m sorry I didn’t try hard to defend you. I was afraid. I was scared that if I fail they will hurt you more.

The time we spent wasn’t full of happy memories. I got hurt, you got hurt. But I want you to know, Mikan, that I didn’t regret any of it. If I can turn back the time to where Alexander offers me a job, fully knowing what lies ahead, I would still take it. I don’t regret sticking by your side. I don’t regret being a father figure in your life so don’t regret it either, alright?