October Academy

Chapter 55

Xander looks a mess. Dark purple bags sit loudly under his eyes. His hair is dishevelled, and his uniform is wrinkled.

"Can we talk?" he says.

I nod and he drags me out of the room. We stand in the hallway. Mr Wise is non the wiser, watching his news channel like the fiend he is.

"I'm so sorry," he says, his voice broken and his eyes red. "I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry," he repeats again and again.

"Xander," I say, grabbing his hand in mine. "Why? And not just about last night... why have you been such a twat lately? Why did you start dating Alyssa? Why?"

"She knows..." he begins and a silent tear tracks down his cheek.

"What does she know?" I say.

"She knows my secret," he says, "and she blackmailed me with it."

"What secret?"

"No..." he says.

"It can't be that bad," I say, thinking about all the awful things it could be. "You can tell me," I say, easing him into it.

"No, no," he says, shaking his head. "You don't understand."

"Seriously, Xander, you almost killed me. You owe it to me," I joke and he laughs through the tears.

"She saw me kissing someone at the party," he says slowly.

"So you cheated on Acacia before you dumped her for Alyssa."

"Yes," he sniffles.

"Who?" I say.

He shakes his head again, like just the person's name wracks him with so much guilt he can't function.

"Who?" I say again, staring into his eyes and trying to show him that I will always be here for him, no matter what.

"Raph," he squeaks quietly.

"Raph – Raphael?" I say, furrowing my brows.

Xander's gay?

"For fucks sake," I say with relief, "I really thought you were about to tell me you murdered someone."

I want to say, it's 2021, Xander, who cares if you're gay? But I think that's insensitive. Whether or not it's socially acceptable now, Xander is upset. I'm not going to tell him how to feel.

So I just wrap my arms around him and hold him against me. "It's ok. I won't let Alyssa blackmail you anymore."

"I loved Tim," he says.

My eyes widen and I take a step back. "You what?"

"We... fuck," he runs his hand through his hair exasperatedly. "We were together - secretly. We were going to tell you, just you. And then... I've felt so guilty for so long because I never wanted to tell anyone so when he said he was going to tell you – I wished he was dead. And then he died and..."

I shake a little. All this news – parts of my brother that I never even realised. I'm not surprised, I mean I loved him and we were close. But how did I not know? Maybe if I paid more attention to him, he wouldn't be dead.

"I'm sorry," Xander says once more.

"I'm sorry too," I say. "We could've been there for each other," I say, realising that we share a similar grief. I knew they were close friends, but I didn't realise it was love.

"I didn't know how to be me when he left."

"But you've always had girlfriends?"

"I tried so hard," he says, "And Acacia... I broke her heart."