WHOLE AGAIN → Rudy Pankow | ON HOLD

PROLOGUE

PROLOGUE

[Flashback to when Seraphine was 14]

I felt helpless. I knew that I couldn't do anything. He had me in his hold with his hand over my mouth. It was then that I decided to give up trying... All I could do was silently cry and pray to God for this to end soon. I didn't even know where I was, what time it was, and when I would finally get home.

Oh, how I wished I could hug my mom... Or my dad... I wished I could talk to Dess about how much we loved watching Gossip Girl. We always argue about who is more attractive- Chuck or Nate and we never reach a compromise. I wished I could listen to how Rudy played guitar or piano and always cursed when he messed something up. It was truly precious. I never understood or enjoyed these little moments until now. I've never wanted something so badly in my life as to be home now.

Nothing felt safe here.

Miraculously after a while, everything ended. I don't remember much of what happened. It all happened so fast, but at the same time agonizingly slow. I watched as the police quickly approached us and arrested him in front of my eyes. The next thing I saw was my mother running to me with tears in her eyes. It seemed like this moment would last forever.

Now I can go home, I thought. I was free and in my mother's arms. I should be happy, right? Then why do I still feel so miserable? Why can't I be happy? Why do I feel embarrassed?

I knew that I should talk to my friends because they could help me. They could comfort me. My heart, however, did not physically allow anyone to be near me. Now I'm left alone in my room with only my thoughts and they make me sink. All I could do was cry myself to sleep and hope the pain will eventually stop.

No one but my mother knew what happened. Of course, my best friends were trying to come and see me. I, on the other hand, couldn't look at them. I completely distanced myself from everyone. I knew I was hurting my loved ones and my heart ached deeply about it. My mom promised me she wouldn't tell anyone about what happened. The last thing I wanted was someone's empathy. I didn't want anyone to pity me.

[End of the flashback]

[Now- her, thinking about it]

The truth was I did miss Rudy and Dess. God, I missed them so much but I couldn't bring myself to talk to them. Each day passed so fast that I didn't notice the weeks... Months... And every day I felt more and more terrible. After a while, I was diagnosed with depression. Even though my mom always told me it wasn't my fault, I couldn't help but think it was.

Months went by and my mother and I agreed to try homeschooling. We thought that it was for the best. My depression didn't help me at all. I didn't have any motivation to learn or do the things I loved so sincerely before. My grades went down.

It was very hard for my mom, too. She was overwhelmed by a headache. She had to pay for my medicine and support us both. In the beginning, she was still in contact with Rudy's and Dessa's parents. Although I didn't want anyone's help.

I tried to communicate with my father... I guess he had better things to do... My mother told me she saw a picture of him and his new wife. They were having a kid. I guess it's easy to forget your old life, your ex-wife, and your daughter. When we moved, I knew that this was it. I just learned to live with it. It's not like he would want to be a family again... My dad started a whole new chapter in his life when he was a whole book to me. I don't think this pain is ever going to stop.

Now I'm 22 years old. It has been 8 years. Eight years spent in torment, going to countless therapists and trying to cope with my trauma and come out of this darkness. No matter how hard it is to believe, I do feel much better.

Now I live in LA alone. I felt sad when I decided to live separately from my mother but we still call each other regularly. I live in a small apartment with my cat, Hera.

I still didn't have any close friends. Well, at least not as close as Ru and Dess were. The only few things that brought me joy were books, Netflix, buying new things that I definitely didn't need, and drawing.

I like to draw models and style them. I decided to share my sketches on Instagram one day and I was spotted by an actress, Madelyn, who is becoming more and more famous. Madelyn really liked my work and she wanted to know if I wanted to work for her. I happily agreed and have been working on her for some time. She pays me well enough so I can afford anything I want.

Madelyn and I are good friends and because of her, I'm often invited to a lot of fashion events. I couldn't be more thankful to her.

Today was the day I decided to go to a club for the first time. I was never a party animal, nor a girl who loved to drink at a club. This was new to me but when Madelyn asked me to go with her new castmates, I thought that this was a good opportunity to finally make new friends. 

authors note: Hey!! I wanted to post the prologue because I won't be active on social media for a few days. I really hope you enjoy it already and feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments! It means a lot to me.

- whyucallmewhenurhigh