A Season of Firsts

Chapter 29

When I'm feeling a bit better, after Rory cooked breakfast for us all and watched me like a hawk to make sure I ate it, Mabel drives us all back home in her sleek black Audi. Yes, she has an Audi. It has leather seats and a built-in navigation system that talks to her as she drives.

The house I was in turned out to be the Miller's family home, but luckily Rory and Mabel's parents were away on business, so I was spared the humiliation of being introduced to my sort of ex-boyfriend's parents. It's in the heart of downtown Vancouver, a sprawling brownstone with gorgeous interiors. I spent most of the time I was there just gawking at the luxury I was surrounded by.

The drive is quiet, the weight of what happened last night resting on all of our shoulders. I can tell Mabel is getting antsy though, not one to feel comfortable in silence, so I'm not surprised when she starts chattering mindlessly to fill it. "I think my New Year's resolution is going to be to write in a journal every day. I have too many thoughts, it would be good to get them out." Rory is too sombre to respond, and seems distracted by the way he keeps looking to the back seat every 30 seconds, like he thinks I will vanish into thin air any minute. I know Hallie hates the tension though, so she jokes, "Does that mean you'll talk to us less? If so, I'll buy you a journal right now."

"Ha ha," Mabel responds dryly, "Has anyone every told you that you should be a comedian?'

"Yes, several people, actually," Hallie says, then turns to me and winks, and I manage a half smile in return.

The rest of the drive passes much the same, Mabel and Hallie making all the effort and me and Rory staying silent. As soon as the car pulls up outside our building, I'm out of the backseat with my carry on, and pushing through the front door. I make it up the stairs in record time, and unlock the door with my free hand, glad to be back home. I flick the lock on my bedroom door as I hear Hallie enter behind me. I hope she gets the message and lets me wallow for a while. I shut my phone off and collapse onto my bed. I need time. A lot of time.

I wake up disoriented, breathing heavily. Sweat drips down over my brow, coating my face and neck. My room is shadowed in darkness, but the moonlight shines through the curtains that I forgot to close in my depressive stupor. I dreamed about Felix. About his hands on my body, all over me, pinning me down, trapping me underneath him. My breathing rate increases, and I lift myself to my feet, only stopping to grab my key before rushing out of the apartment door and taking the stairs down two at a time.

I thought the fresh air would help calm me down, but the panic attack doesn't stop when I burst through the doors. It must be the early hours of the morning, because there isn't a soul around as I fall to my knees in the snow, trying to control myself. In, out, in, out. I manage to regulate my breathing just as I hear the soft crunching sound of boots in the snow, and I scramble to my feet, coming face to face with Rory.

"What are you doing?" We ask each other simultaneously.

"Why are you outside my building?" I get there first.

"Why are you outside your building without a jacket on?" He bites back, seeming irritated. I don't know if it's at me or my lack of suitable outerwear.

"I asked you first," I say, standing my ground, even though I'm trying to ignore the goose bumps breaking out all over my arms.

"I couldn't sleep," he says, giving me a half truth.

"Neither could I," I say, giving him one back. He sighs, and asks, "If I tell you the truth, will you tell me yours?"

"Only if I deem your truth satisfactory," I say, chin held high. He looks at me incredulously, and admits, "I was coming to check on you. I couldn't sleep because I was worried," holding my gaze with every word he speaks. I suck in a breath, and my goose bumps aren't just caused by the chill anymore. He still cares.

"I came outside because I was having a panic attack, and I thought it would help me calm down," I say, but I can't meet his eyes with my admission.

He approaches me slowly, giving me time to turn and run in the other direction, before he wraps his arms around me. I settle into him and breathe in his warmth, savouring the feeling. I could fall asleep like this, even standing up. I don't think the nightmare would reach me if I was encircled in his strong arms.

"Let's go inside," he whispers, coaxing me like a frightened animal. He moves away from me slightly to take my hand, and leads me back through the building to my door. I grip his hand tightly the whole way, even tighter when he stops at the threshold to my apartment.

"I need to go back home; will you be okay on your own?" He asks tentatively. My heart shatters with the words. The way he held me on the street, the way he looked at me when I woke up in his family home, the way he lost sleep because he was worried about me – all of the little things gave me hope that we could start again, and go back to how it was between us before Felix ever entered the picture. But it can't. He's broken me, and us.

"Yeah... of course. Sure. I'll be fine. Goodnight," I say, and it's almost a whisper. He brushes his thumb against my cheek, and I unlock my door and slip inside before he sees the cracks in my armour.