A Season of Firsts

Chapter 22

I squeezed myself in beside Rory in an attempt to get some sleep last night, but all I could manage to do was stare up at the ceiling, going over and over in my head what could have happened; why Rory was so upset. I almost messaged Mabel to see if she knew anything, but I didn't want to drag her into our mess.

Rory rolled over in the night and wrapped his arms around me, clinging to me tightly like I was his lifejacket on a sinking ship, and this is how we're still positioned now at 9:00 in the morning. The warmth from his bare chest fills the small room, and his usual musty smell that I love surrounds us, though it's tainted slightly with the stench of alcohol.

I can't feel one of my arms because it has been trapped under his neck for so long, so I move it as cautiously as I can, not wanting to wake him before he's ready – or maybe I'm just putting off the conversation we're inevitably going to have. The nerves wracking my body distract me before I feel his breathing change, stirred by my movement.

Our faces are inches apart when he opens his eyes, and it takes a second for him to realise where he is. His eyes widen slightly before the force of his hangover visibly slams into him, and he winces, shutting his eyes to the light streaming gently through the blinds.

"Hi," I whisper, almost afraid I'll scare him off before he's even fully conscious.

"Hey," he replies in a quiet, cracked voice.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, running my fingers through his unruly hair.

"Like I got run over by a bus. Twice," he moans.

"You were pretty wasted," I say diplomatically.

"Ha, I think that's the understatement of the century." He drops his head back onto the pillow like it's a dead weight, and rubs his hands over his eyes.

"Do you remember last night?"

I know his answer immediately, because his body tenses up next to mine. Before he can say anything, I jump up out of bed and blurt, "I'm going to make us some coffee." I know I'm delaying the inevitable, but I just need two more minutes to prepare myself. Do you think he'll notice if I leave and don't come back? I might try it.

I'm spared an inquisition from Hallie as I prep the coffee, because her and Chase must still be in bed, catching up on the sleep they missed last night. If only I could have, I wouldn't need this caffeine so badly.

When I re-enter my room and shut the door behind me with my foot, Rory is sat up on the bed, chest exposed with the blanket covering his bottom half. His expression is like stone, and the pit of dread inside me grows tenfold.

"Here's your coffee," I say, handing it to him. I don't add that I made it just how he likes it with cream and sugar, because I get the feeling it wouldn't be appreciated right now.

"Thanks," he says curtly as he accepts it, then takes a long gulp as I settle myself cross-legged on the opposite end of the bed to him. I decide to just bite the bullet and ask him, "What happened?"

He looks up from his hands, meets my eyes and asks, "Did you sleep with Felix the other night?" With the question, it feels like all of the air leaves the room.

"What?" I sputter, almost spilling my coffee in my outrage. "No! Did he tell you that?"

"So you didn't go on a date with him?"

I fall silent and drop his gaze, spinning the ring on my thumb round and round. How does he know me and Felix went out together? I want to deny it so badly, but that wouldn't be fair to Rory. I know Felix views me as more than I friend, yet I went out with him anyway. I think I did it to reassure myself that things weren't too serious with Rory - that I still had an out. And now it's coming back to bite me in the ass, just when I decided that I was going to work on my fear of commitment for him.

"Yes, we went on a date," I say, but it's barely a whisper. I still can't meet his eyes, the guilt overwhelming me.

"Why?" he whispers, pain coating the word.

I force myself to look at him, tears rapidly clouding my vision. "I don't know."

"You don't know? You don't know, Dela? I think you owe me more of an explanation than that. I thought we were getting somewhere. For fuck's sake, I was going to ask you-" his voice breaks, and I see the tears filling his own eyes.

"You were going to ask me what?" I ask, but I'm scared of the answer and what I've crushed the chances of.

"You need to be honest with me," he avoids the question, taking a deep breath to collect himself, "Have you and Felix slept together?" his voice is deadpan now, all the emotion evaporated into the air.

"No, I already told you we haven't - I promise that nothing has happened between us," I say, but then I freeze and my whole body tenses up, because it has. He kissed me. Rory must see the horror in my expression, because he grinds out the words, "Are you sure about that?"

"He kissed me," I admit quietly, and the first tear rolls down my cheek. I look up to gauge Rory's reaction, and he looks like he's trying to stop himself from punching something. I flinch when he starts speaking after a painfully long silence.

"I was out with my friends last night, over the fucking moon that we were in a good place – scratch that, an amazing place, and Felix came up to me and started talking shit about you. I thought he was just talking out of his ass, saying you two were a couple, making disgusting comments about you. I was drunk, and when he stepped out of line, I shoved him away from me so I wouldn't have to hear another word from his dirty mouth, and he threw a punch at me. He got a few more in," he says, pointing to his bust lip, "before the guys saw what was going on and stopped it."

"I thought the shit he was saying couldn't possibly be anything close to the truth, but he planted doubt in my mind, because it's not like you've ever spoken about your relationship with him before. That's why I came over here to talk to you, so you could tell me it was all wrong. But now you're saying you've been on a date with the guy and kissed him? While we were seeing each other? That's bullshit, Addy," he finishes, putting his mug aside and getting up to find his clothes. A panic seizes me with the realisation that he's leaving.

"Rory, stop. Please, just let me explain. I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Yeah, no shit. Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I didn't think it was important, because I don't care about Felix, I care about you." I know the words I'm saying sound like the pathetic excuses of a cheater, but I don't know what else to say to make him understand how sorry I am.

"You have a funny way of showing it," he retorts, avoiding looking at me as he finishes pulling his shoes on and ties his laces.

The tears are falling in an endless stream now as I follow him out of my bedroom door, desperately scrambling around in my brain for an explanation that would make him stop looking at me like I ripped his heart out of his chest, but none come.

"Please don't go," I say between sobs, "I'm so sorry."

He turns to me as he reaches the front door. "I need to be in a relationship with someone I can trust, and I don't feel like I can trust you anymore. I can't be with you if you're not all in this - because I am. Or I was." He looks me dead in the eye as he says, "Goodbye, Addy," and walks out the door. When he's gone, I drop to my knees, the sudden loss hitting me like a ten-foot wave about to drag me under the surface. "I love you," I whisper, but it's too late, and he's not around to hear it.