A Season of Firsts

Chapter 30

The smell of bacon wafts under my bedroom door, and it draws me out to the kitchen. Mabel is at the stove, looking way too fresh for 9 in the morning, flipping rashers of bacon in a pan.

"Good morning sleepy head," she says in chirpy greeting when she spots me. In contrast to her brother, I'm starting to think Mabel's response to trauma is being as cheery as possible and acting like nothing happened. Which is fine by me, I just can't match her energy. "Hey," I say, rubbing my tired eyes.

"Is that bacon?" Hallie opens her door, peering out of it, still only dressed in her underwear.

"It is, but you have to put clothes on if you want some," Mabel jokes, wafting the spatula in her direction in warning.

"No fair," Hallie says with a sulky face, and slams her door to get dressed. Mabel slides a plate across the kitchen counter towards me, laden with a bacon and egg sandwich that I would pay good money for in a restaurant. I hurriedly take a seat and dig in, starving after not being able to stomach food since the incident. It tastes even better than it looks, and I moan embarrassingly. "Can you stay forever?" I ask Mabel, and I can feel the egg yolk dripping down the side of my mouth, but I don't care. She's seen me in worse states. She laughs, pouring herself and me a cup of coffee. "I wish. I love it here."

Hallie re-enters the room, this time clad in black sweatpants and a college sweatshirt. "Do you have to work today?" Mabel asks her as she begins assembling her breakfast.

"No, I took a couple of days off, so we could..." she pauses mid-way through her sentence, not knowing how to finish it without bringing up New Year's Eve, "spend some quality time together."

"You didn't have to do that, I'm fine," I say, protesting.

"Addy, you know that no one expects you to be fine after what happened to you, right?" Hallie asks in a soft tone, halting her movements at the counter and evaporating the easy atmosphere in the room. So much for not bringing it up.

"I know, but I am," I say, looking down at my plate. It's a lie and we all know it.

"Okay, well we can still spend a couple of days just hanging out and going skiing, and relax for a bit," she backs down, pacifying me.

"I can't, I'm scheduled to work today," I say, not intending to ruin her plans, but not wanting her sympathy, either.

"About that..." Mabel starts, and I turn to her, dreading whatever she's about to say when I see the worried look on her face.

"What?" I ask, tension coursing through me.

"Please don't be angry with him, but Rory got upset yesterday when we got back from the city about the whole incident, and he felt so guilty that he wasn't there to protect you when it happened, that he just wanted to fix something for you," she pauses, not wanting to carry on.

"What did he do?" I ask, ice in my veins. I'm tense all over now. My knuckles are white against the coffee cup in my hands.

"He knows one of your managers from the hotel, Greg, because he comes into the store a lot, so he went to speak to him. He wasn't going to tell him about what happened, but when he went in demanding that Felix should be fired, Greg wanted an explanation," she sighs, pausing again, "Felix doesn't work at the hotel anymore, and you have however long you need off, until you feel ready to go back," she finishes, staring into my eyes and silently pleading with me not to flip off the handle. It's too late for that, though. My hands aren't tense any more, they're shaking with the pure anger I feel towards Rory. How dare he interfere in my private business? In my work life? I hadn't even thought far enough ahead to know what I was going to do about seeing Felix at work, but he didn't even give me that chance. He didn't trust me to do something about it, so he went and did it himself. I'm so angry I can't see straight. I need to speak to him, now.

I get off my chair and storm into my room, not saying a word to either Mabel or Hallie so that I don't redirect my anger at them and say something I'll regret later. They haven't done anything wrong, they've only tried to support me through this, not meddle with the situation. I pull my clothes on and grab my keys, then walk back out to where both of my friends stand in silence, unsure of themselves.

"Where's Rory?" I ask Mabel, as calmly as I can manage.

"At home," she says, and with that I'm opening the front door. "He had the best intentions!" she calls after me, desperate to save her brother from my wrath. But unfortunately for him, I don't give a shit what his intentions were. In my haze of emotion, I can't see further than his actions and their consequences.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" I shout at him when he opens the door, and from the regretful look on his face, he knows exactly what I'm talking about.

"Come inside," he says, and swings the door open wider for me to push past him. He leans against it when he closes it behind him, keeping as far away from me and the fire I am spitting as possible. I start pacing the floor of his living room, not even knowing where to begin.

"Before you start, I know what I did w-"

"No, I'm the one doing the talking. You're going to stand there and listen," I say. I'm aware I'm being rude, but I could not care less. It's not like we even have a relationship to ruin. He obeys, shutting his mouth and looking at me, ready to take whatever I'm going to throw at him.

"First of all, how dare you interfere in my private life, when you're not even a part of it anymore. It was not your place to go to my manager, tell him all about one of the most, if not the most, traumatic experiences of my life, get my colleague fired and get me a holiday that I didn't want. How fucking dare you! I can't even comprehend why you would feel compelled to do that, when you don't even care about me anymore! You don't want me, so why do you want to fix things for me?" A pained expression settles on his face at my words, but I can't stop. I don't want to stop. This is the emotional release I've been needing since the other night, and boy it feels good. "I was going to fix it myself! Once I managed to get my head round what happened to me, I was going to sort it! I didn't need you! I don't need you!" I stop to take a breath, and that's all it takes for the anger to fizzle out of my body. All that's left in its wake is despair. Rory senses the shift, because he steps closer to me. When I don't make a move in response, or shout at him again, he comes even closer and reaches out to me. When he's too near, about to hug me, I decide I don't want his sympathy. I don't want his anything. I start hitting him with my fists, but he doesn't flinch. He just keeps moving closer, ignoring my attack and pressing my hands against his chest so that I can't move them anymore. When I'm rendered immobile, I let a sob escape me. I hate how vulnerable he makes me feel. I'm meant to be a strong, independent woman who survived her mother's death and moved to a new country all alone. Not this weak little girl who can't act emotionally stable long enough to finish an angry rant.

"I'm sorry," he whispers into my hair, resting his cheek on the top of my head. "I didn't mean to interfere, I was just trying to help. To make it easier for you. I was going out of my mind, imagining him coming near you at work when no one knew what happened apart from me, Mabel and Hallie. I can't stand the thought of him hurting you again."

"What did you tell my manager?" I ask, ignoring his apology, even though it stirs up millions of unwanted feelings inside of me.

"That Felix assaulted you, and that he's lucky not to be behind bars."

"Anything else?" I probe, needing to know how to prepare myself before I go back to work.

"No, I didn't give details. I wouldn't do that to you, Dela," he says, though his actions contradict his words.

"Don't act like you haven't just publicly humiliated me. Everyone at work will know now. I wanted to go back to escape, not to be looked at like I was when my mum died. Everyone's eyes filled with pity, their eyebrows turned down, every damn time they look at you – you don't know how that feels. I didn't want that. But you've made that choice for me."

He's lost for words, and rightfully so. I don't think he realised the gravity of his actions until just now. "I'll never go behind your back again. Ever. I'm so sorry."

"Good," I say, and walk away, slamming the door behind me.