Hidden Pride

Love Me Normally

I have no idea how to end this but this is kinda a filler chapter. Leave a comment or a vote I'd appreciate it.

I felt like shit still. I wasn't expecting a lot to change though. John kept on trying to check on me since we read Jane's letter a few days ago. I think he felt guilty or had some weird saviors complex. I am completely unlovable I don't know why he kept coming back everyday. Today was like yesterday he was in my room cleaning up the mess I made the day before.

"John?"
"Yes?"
"Why are you here?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean why do you keep visiting me every single day? I don't deserve this."
"Do you not like having me around?"
"No it's not that it's just... god I'm a mess."
"Do you want me to help?"
"I don't know what I want really. I just don't want to be alive."
I realized how alarming that must sound to John. It was true and I completely meant it but I didn't really want to hear a speech about why I shouldn't kill myself because apparently it gets better.

"I'm not going to do anything though." I added hoping it would deter any concern John looked like he had. It didn't really help but he didn't say anything about it he just stood there.
"I'm gonna go..." He said breaking the silence.
"Can you stay? I just want you here. I don't know why." We both knew exactly why.
"Sure."
He sat down on the ground next to my bed. I wanted to tell him to lay next to me or kiss me or something. I wanted to blame it all on being drunk or maybe tired but I was sober and wide awake. I felt desperate and disgusted with myself. I felt weird in a way that was used to talk about deep sea creatures and disgusting freaks.

"I wish we were normal." I mumbled out.
"What do you mean?"
"None of this would be a problem if we were normal. We wouldn't have to worry about any of this if we were just normal. I mean loving each other is so not normal."
"Define normal."
"I don't know just not this."
We sat in silence my brain kept buzzing with this desperate need to be near him.
"Can you come up here or kiss me. I just really want to be close to you." I said finally biting the bullet.
"Sure."
John got into bed with me and I moved over to make room for him. I put my arm around him and he turns around to face me. His face was only inches from me. He put his arm around be and we laid their hugging each other in silence for a few minutes. It was messy in a sort of way like it was like being a whole person again though I don't know when I was ever a whole person. It just felt familiar and comforting.
I couldn't help but cry. I had no real reason why I felt happy right now. I finally got what I wanted. Everything was going to be fine. It was all fine. But here I am crying. It's pathetic and confusing.  I buried my head into John's grey jacket hoping he wouldn't notice.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"Okay then."
We stayed in this position for a long time. I didn't know how long. It was so comfortable I didn't want him to leave but eventually he had too and I was one person again.