Our Secret

Chapter 2 Needed To be used

                                        * SEXUAL ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING  & BODY SHAMING*

A mother's love is a love that could never be replaced and they are right and I hate it. 

I won't stop loving my mother because of what she did to me and continued to do it knowing how uncomfortable it made me feel. 

But I know that a deep part of myself I know I resent her I don't know exactly what part I resent her the most. 

Either it may have been the outfits she convinced me were pretty or the unused panties I couldn't wear without associating them with the flashing of a camera. 

The part that disgusts me the most is the fact that when she motivated me to help her in her dirty fantasies I complied. And when I heard her encouraging me I folded my body in ways only my lover should see not my mother. 

I guess you could say I was getting kinda used to being used in ways no 14, 15, 16, 17,18,19 years olds should be used. 

In some ways when I'm not being used I feel like I wasn't being helpful. A child because despite how my body folded when the lights go down and the camera focused on me I was a child.  With the mentality that I could flash a smile on my mother's face If I complied. 

A child with a woman's body that never asked to be the center of those specific eyes.  A child that grew to become an adult and still let it happened although being aware of how bad and how illegal this was. 

But if it could bring a smile to my mother's face then it's okay, right? Ever since I could remember, my mother and I could never see eye to eye and sadly I came to realize that no matter how many times I folded my body the way she told me to, it still won't fix our arguments. Especially this unbearing feeling of resentment that I hope one day when I meet my maker that he won't hold it against me. 

At first, it was to make her happy after our arguments because being told that you had this untamable attitude ever since you were 9 years old. Only could make someone second guess their actions and feel not only obligated to take the blame for every problem that pops around every inch of a corner. But also carry this amount of responsibility that comes with being the oldest in an immigrant household. But don't get me started with the number of consequences of living in Latin culture. 

No hate on my Latinos because these are the people that I grew to admire and respect.  But a phrase that ever since I could remember stays with me and haunts me vividly.  This phrase could also be put into any language but never in the same context as I first received it. It was this same day that my own mother made my own father resent me. I don't blame him though it wasn't his fault it was my mother and her undying insecurities she held against me. This phrase will be said countless times through my writing until then this phrase will be saved.

As I have said before I grew and developed at a young age and yet again having these curves that come with being Latina shown. My mother has always been the type to be on the chunkier side almost 300 pounds to be exact. But of course, she wasn't always like this I knew this because one day on a very hot summer day my father's family invited my family to go swimming in a nearby creek.  That day I went with jean shorts above my knees and a bikini top or maybe a bra. Since this book is based solely on memory I can't say for sure But I believe you all have the premise. 

I remember my cousins swimming from side to side and somewhere jumping off a small little mud cliff with a rope tied to a sturdy branch my older cousin made. Seeing this view made me smile and be full of excitement despite the fact I couldn't swim. As I shook off my sandals my aunt from my fathers' side who was always so close to my mother called out my name.

 "  mira lulu cariño date la vuelta. que titi te vea hermosa. "

( Look lulu honey turn around let auntie see you beautiful) 

Before she could say anything else I turned to face my mother and my aunt smiling at me. To be exact my aunt was the one smiling my mother on the other hand stared rather judgely and curious. That's when my aunt told my mother 

"wow that girl has a beautiful body her figure is just too perfect. Very similar a figure you had when I first met you when you first started my big brother" 

My mother smiled off and agreed with my aunt knowing full well that I was taking away her spotlight and she didn't like it not one bit. Those compliments were one of many others I have received and my mother knew this because she was the first to know. Throughout learning and figuring out the simple little gestures, my thought process wasn't my mind just playing tricks on me or a teenage girl being insecure. But it was the cruel hard truth of reality that nowadays most mothers stopped seeing their daughters as the ones they raised but the women they created. A woman who not only challenges their own features but is a dark rivalry pawn in their marriage.