Our Secret

Chapter 3 Wondering Eyes

                   ******** SEXUAL  ASSAULT TRIGGER WARNING & BODY DYSMORPHIA*********

I remember when my actions as a child weren't bearing on my shoulders as much as they do now that I'm a woman. But between the years of my adolescence and the start of adulthood I never once thought about what my appearance to others may be. I never had the slightest clue of what it means to look at yourself in the mirror and pick out things I didn't like about myself.  Until their eyes started wondering those damn awful eyes that would grip onto my very being without its way of touching me physically. But their damn eyes that ran their invisible fingertips up my legs and make their way to the curves of my body.  

Those gripping eyes weren't just eyes of a stranger no, not that those looks from strangers didn't have any effect on me because they did. But take eyes that look familiar and look back when those familiar eyes would give you a warm smile or a loving stare that warms you up with security. These eyes were those closest to me these eyes were my mother's and father's eyes these were the wondering eyes I soon began to fear. 

As my body became more sculpted to a woman than a young girl there were certain ways of handling one's body. Or so I have been told, according to my mother I couldn't wear my favorite skirts or shorts due to my legs. But over time now I can't help but close my eyes and imagine another pair. Thanks, daddy for giving your daughter the false hope of confidence that I thought I had at the time. But before I started feeling this way my father made me feel good about the body my mother resented. 

Christmas Eve the year was 2012 or maybe was it 2013 well we were all opening our Christmas presents and this year it was a bit special because my aunt mitchillie was spending the holidays with us. to be honest with you all she wasn't my real aunt but you all know when your parents have such a good friend that they basically became somewhat an adopted aunt or uncle. Well, my aunt mitchillie was a perfect example of this but I knew deep down inside why she was close with my parents. As we were opening our presents my mother handed me a beautiful silver box with a silver glittery bow  smiling and as she laid it on my lap she said 

"Lulu this present is from your father alone he saw this and thought it was about time that you dress a little bit mature for age." 

I turned to watch my father put his hand on my aunt mitchillie's knee with a smile and my mother had this awkward but yet pissed-off looked. But of course, she tried her best not to show it but I wasn't dumb I knew something was off as I pull the ribbon to untie it from the box I open it to find these gorgeous heel boots. I looked up to my mom who smiled at my reaction which was surprised because how was I suppose to walk in these? all that came out of my mouth was 

"wow these are so fashionable and it has heels!" 

My mother exclaimed to me 

" Lulu try it we wanna see if it fits." 

I stood up to place them and zipped up the little grey zipper handle and at that moment I felt so confident. I started to walk at my first few steps I almost lost balance and my mother made sure I knew. As I was walking all my mother did was click her tongue in disappointment and pointed my direction more specifically at my feet. 

" Look! Look! she can't even walk in them. Her ankle keeps folding inward and the back of her ankle is folding that's also making a crease on the boot" 

My tiny bit of confidence that I felt wash away with the pride of owning my first fancy-looking boots. The boots my father bought me not only have good sentimental value but also a memory upon other memories only filled with criticisms that lead me to never wear heels. Thankfully over the years, I grew this confidence but like all good things, these moments didn't last.