The Ardor of Every Day

19.

tw- self harm

After leaving his former home, and the bad moments along with it, somehow this matter from the past had made its way to where Sasuke lived now. He wanted to be left alone from all that and move on, but Akinori wouldn't let him do that. There was no need to return that necklace. It was a piece of fake silver with a pendant that had the initial 'A' inscribed on the back. Akinori had scraped it himself. Inside the pendant, there were two tiny photos. One of Akinori and one of his mother, the two people he loved the most. The small black and white photographs had yellowed from staying inside too long. After having a really good day, which was less than rare lately, this was the last thing he needed and that too on his birthday. He suppressed his frustration and nausea growing in his stomach with tobacco. All that was on his mind was giving up, but he was scared of the hurt people he would leave behind. That singular thing was the only thing stopping him right now. He brought the burning cigarette butt towards the same spot again. The skin was thin and sensitive from the previous wound, which made it hurt more this time. He'd given in the impulse just to feel something. The pain was his only companion in the night. He washed the wound and lied down, his head pounding. Even tears couldn't make their way out, he was numb. Never once had Akinori crossed his mind after the last time he saw him, Sasuke had moved on, and it had been difficult.

He turned to his phone for distraction. Two texts were on the lock screen, one from Naruto and the other from Akinori. Seeing Naruto's name on his phone reminded him of all the intimate time they shared, but the serotonin these reminders produced wasn't enough to bring him happiness. Still, he abstained from reading any texts and closed his eyes to relive today's bits. He recapped each second of their entanglement in the river in his brain. From the first second when Naruto tucked his hair back, he filled his heart and mind with only instances of their exchange. He still treasured the maze Naruto had traced on his body. Even though hours had passed, he could feel Naruto's hands on his skin. Thinking of this made him feel warmer and better. He watched their subtle romances play like a movie in the blacks of his eyes. Rotating uncomfortably in his sheets with lack of sleep, all he wanted was Naruto beside him, but he felt guilty. He was dragging Naruto in the unstableness of his mental state. Sasuke was self-aware but without a sense of self. He never truly knew himself, and he was constantly changing, but he knew how pathetic his mental state was, how hot and cold he was. He was depressed and anxious all the time. Constant mood swings, sudden bursts of energy, mental breakdowns, feeling nothing, being too empathetic, unable to empathize, this was all too normal for him, and Naruto deserved better. He knew that sooner or later, he would end up hurting Naruto or being too much for him, which is the last thing he wanted. He was afraid of himself. The more he craved to be near Naruto, the more he denied himself to follow through with that gratification. Today's events were evidence that Sasuke needed to maintain a distance before things progressed anymore.

It was the next morning, and he finally decided to check the texts he had received last night. He decided to check Akinori's first as he was sure it'd put him in a bad mood. The burn mark from his cigarette had turned into a sort of crass blister. It didn't hurt as bad anymore.

Aki: did you get it? it says it should've been delivered by now.

can we talk? i miss you...

Sasuke shoved his face in the pillow and let out a raspy grunt. He resurfaced and faced his phone again. It was Naruto's turn.

Naruto: Today was fun, let's see each other soon again. Good night :)

His eyes fell from his phone. Things had already gone too far, and he'd done nothing to stop them. He got up from his bed, his mind tormented. He didn't know how to reply to either of those texts. He was scheduled to work today and didn't want to be late, so he freshened up and headed downstairs for breakfast.