The savage wild

16. Delusions

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My blood was like electricity. Shocking me through my veins, burning me from the inside out, scorching what little flesh was not ablaze. I cried, I seethed and writhed. I lay still and silently begged, then started clawing furiously at my skin yet again. “Hey girly,” somebody whispered. “Why haven’t you joined our side yet?” A cold finger whispered along my back, numbing the pain for a minute, before it came back three times worse. I whimpered. I opened my eyes, I think.

My nephew was smiling at me. He looked so happy, so beautifully and utterly blissful. “Why are you here?” I choked out.  He said nothing and simply watched, his sky blue eyes intensely focused on my face. From his back sprouted snow white wings, every feather glistering in the dim light. “Save me,” I begged, pathetically. He smiled, and his teeth were as pointy and yellow as the wolf in the forest, dripping with blood. Whose blood? I vaguely wondered.

I remember times, long past, when I simply took the life I lived for granted. Moments of pure bliss I found perfectly normal. Every day, I could eat what I wanted and when I wanted it. I could go and do things without a care in the world, always being cared for and loved, and I never even stopped to think about it. I never, not even once, completely stopped doing whatever I was doing and took the time to take a deep breath to enjoy and be thankful for the life I was given. I guess that I thought it was obvious that I had that life, that I was allowed to live it. That I even deserved it, I guess.

But everyone in this world is born with that same right, yet not everyone has it. Not everyone gets the same chances in life. Who decided those things? My parents would have gently patted me on the head and told me that it had been God. My wolf family would snort and tell me that life only decided its course itself. The moon goddess would have smiled mysteriously and tell me that life was incomprehensible and that it just simply was. Was it? Was it just simply there? Flowing its course like a river, sometimes slow and gentle, and sometimes fast and ferocious? The professors on the TV would have laughed at my stupidity and told me that it all was just a coincidence. There is no higher reason, some unknown force that controls the course of life itself. You get what you get, and if that is less than others, it was simply bad luck.

I still do not know who I should believe. I don’t think I ever will.

Every movement I made was like getting struck with a whip of white hot fire, bruising me, killing me, whispering with every strike that I should just give up, give in and die. I screamed as every strike came down, brutally stripping my body of its flesh, till only bones remained and only bones I was.

I wish that my life wouldn’t have turned over so quickly. I still wish I could have given my parents a little bit more gratification for all they had done for me, for all those years. Just a simple kiss, a simple thank you, a simple hug. Simple, yet I think it would have sufficed for such a complex gift.

Maybe If I had, I wouldn’t have to suffer right now.

“Of course not, sweetie...” my mother softly whispered, her hand brushing my hair from my forehead. “It will only hurt a little, trust me.” I nodded, tears overflowing from my eyes, my hand trembling, clutching the band aid against my scratch, before reluctantly letting go. My mother gripped one edge. “On three okay?” I nodded again, and sniffed. “One... two… three!” Then she ripped the band aid off, together with my skin and a huge chunk of my flesh. The bone lay naked for all to see, oozing with blood and crawling with worms. I screamed and my mother laughed.

It started to feel like I lived in two different worlds. One was filled with a constant, never ending pain, while the other was filled with my delusions. Some might have been memories, others might have been hallucinations. Or they were a mix of both. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore, except pain.