Dumb Little Writing Things

I Hate...

A/N- Recently I have been really struggling with my mental health and one of the biggest factors in this has been my mum. She had me when she was only 21 and she and my dad broke up when I was 2, I haven't seen him since. Now I am 14 years old and I have 2 younger siblings that she treats like her world whilst I'm more like her broken first attempt (I love my siblings, don't worry). I understand that my mum has it rough but I just wish that for once she would try to help me rather than point out her shit to make me feel bad. Anyways, I wrote this down after I went to her room to ask for help since my fingers were bleeding and there were no band aids and all she could say was 'why do you keep telling me? Why do you keep doing this to me?' Sorry if it's bad, I just needed to rant for a second. I hope that it's not too bad and that you like it 😆

Honestly, I hate my mum. Every second with her to me is hell. Every time she speaks it's another empty promise, another way that I'm ill or in other words broken or another way to make me feel bad about her shitty mental health. But lucky for me, we don't talk. She prioritises everything before me including her life, my siblings, her job, her boyfriend and everything other than me. So when we do eventually hang out we usually only watch a movie or play a video game that she wants to play or watch. Even then, she always spends the time that we are supposed to be hanging out on her phone. I hate it. I hate remembering when she told me that we go roller skating, rock climbing, to the doctors, to a therapist or even to singing lessons so that I could achieve my dreams. I hate how she canceled my piano lessons subscription and how she disregards everything I do by saying things like it's trash or that I should do yoga even though I've told that I don't want to. Even recently as I've struggled so much with the fact that I can't stop literally ripping off my nails out of anxiety, she tells me that I need to see a therapist or that I need to stop telling her because she has nothing that she can offer me. Honestly in the past months, I have wanted a therapist so badly and yet I know that if I ask it will only lead to another empty promise. I understand that she had me when she was young, I understand that she had a rough childhood and I understand that she is a single mum with two other children but why do I have to suffer? It's not like she's still the young mother with no experience that she was when she had me. Now she is worse. Now she ignores me, now fills my life with more holes than it had before and now she cares more about everything other then me. Honestly I hate my mum and honestly I hate myself for that. 

-my fingers are still bleeding lol 😂