The Girl Who Never Understood Love

Kabanata 1

Rai's POV

"Sorry Kaz but everything changed... It's not you, it's me. I hope you understand" malungkot kong sabi sa 5-month boyfriend ko na si Kazer. I just got bored all of a sudden sa repetitive actions niya towards me. Wala ng thrill kumbaga and I just blew it off and ended our relationship.

I looked at his solemn face, eyes filled with unshed tears.

I sighed. Kaya ayoko minsan pumasok sa isang relasyon eh. Nakaka-guilty since hindi naman niya talaga kasalanan kung bakit ako nagsasawa at bumibitaw. I just can't seem to grow and stabilize my attraction towards them. I know sooner or later na mawawala rin ang thrill at pagkagusto ko pero sinusubukan ko pa rin

"Akala ko ba maayos tayong dalawa Rai, may iba ba? Hindi na ba ako sapat sayo?" sambit ni Kaz sakin. I held his hands and stared at his eyes with utmost sincerity.

" I know you deserve an explanation and an acceptable reason Kaz, yet the only thing I feel is na d-drain na ako sa relationship natin. Like wala ng bago and I don't want you to waste your time with someone na hindi na gaanong naibabalik ang efforts mo. I'm so sorry" sabi ko sakanya as I let go of his hands and walked out of the cafeteria.

I know you might think na parang ang playgirl ng dating ko but truthfully hindi ko sinasadya ang mga lahat ng nangyari. All of a sudden, nawawala lahat ng lambing, attraction, at sweetness na naibibigay ko sa kanila noon. Kahit ako conflicted sa mga nangyayari sa akin at alam ko na marami na akong nasasaktan pero hindi ko kayang isuko ang paghahanap ng isang pag-ibig na hindi nagbabago. I know I sounded selfish but I just can't seem to stop myself.

I let out a deep breath. I need someone to talk to. Naisipan kong tawagan si Inejera, one of my best friend. Siya lang kasi ang nandito ngayon sa Pilipinas unlike Alina, Nina at Genya, my three other besties na nasa ibang bansa.

" Rai, kahit di mo sabihin, alam kong may nangyari" bungad sakin ni Inej.

" Inej pwede ba tayong magkita sa bahay?. I badly needed someone to talk to" sabi ko sa kanya habang papasok na sa sasakyan.

" Sure sis. Ako lang naman ang matatawagan mo dito. See you in a bit! " sabi niya as she ended the call.

No doubt alam na ni Inej ang gagawin tuwing tinatawagan ko siya. This happened countless of times before at di na bago iyon.

Kazer was my 6th boyfriend and before him I had 10 flings. I know its a lot pero sa kabila ng large numerical scale, wala ni isa sa kanila ang successful and all of those relationships have common denominators. Draining, Nakakawalang gana, and a routine-like relationship, nothing new.

Habang nagmamaneho ako, I suddenly remembered my parents. They weren't so fond of each other dahil alam ko na inarrange marriage lang sila ni lola. My grandmother thought na baka may posibilidad na maiinlove sila sa isa't isa pero nagkakamali siya. I mean the only reason that I was even born was because they needed an heir for both their companies na naging empire na ngayon because of the merging.

Kaya na rin siguro hindi ko maintindihan how love works kasi ang dapat na role model ko sa mga ganitong bagay ay hindi naman talaga nagmamahalan. They might also shower me with boundless luxuries yet I still can't feel any love.

While I was absentmindedly walking my way out of the parking lot. May nakita akong dalawang matandang couple na nakatira rin dito sa neighborhood namin. They waved their greetings at me at umalis na.

I started to ponder.

Paano kaya nila napapanatili ang ganoong klaseng pagmamahalan na nagtatagal hanggang sa pagtanda nila?

I sighed as I made my way to my room. Despite all of these questions, alam ko naman na hindi ko pa sila masasagot sa ngayon.

Nang makarating ako sa kwarto ko, nadatnan ko si Inej na nakaupo na sa sofa at may nakapatong na chips at soda sa coffee table.

Umupo ako sa tabi niya while she handed me a bag of chips and looked at me na maari ko ng simulan ang pagkukwento.

" Anu banaman yan Rai, ba't ba obssess kang malaman kung anu talaga ang love? Don't you have other things in mind na dapat mas pinagtutuonan mo ng pansin?" sabi ni Inej habang tinitingnan ako, nawawalan na ng pag-asa. Well I can't blame her for looking at me like that.

" And what would that be Inej?" tanong ko sakanya. Tiningnan niya ako na parang di makapaniwala sa nasabi ko.

" Seriously?! Hmmm.... Maybe ang never-ending expectations sayo ng family mo? Or I don't know, maybe ang training mo as your family's next shining heir na magsisimula na after you graduated from senior high school?!" sabi niya na parang makakalbo niya na ako sa pagsasawalang bahala ko.

" I've been working on it, di porket naghahanap ako ng pagmamahal ay napapabayaan ko na ang mga responsibilities ko" sabi ko naman sa kaniya at ininom na ang soda ko.

" Rai, you know na I'm only looking out for you. Para narin kasi kitang kapatid and I don't want you to waste your life looking for love from some guy. Nandito kami nina Alina, Genya, at Nina for you" sabi niya tsaka ako niyakap.

" But I've been obssessing this since I was young. I don't know if I can stop myself Nej. But I'll keep your words in mind" sabi ko sa kaniya as she nodded na parang naiintindihan ang nais kong ipahiwatig.

" Well, how about manood tayo ng movie para naman ma release ang stress at worries mo. Magkaka wrinkles ka niyan sige ka" I laughed and nodded sa suggestion niya kaya nanood nalang kami ng Shadow and Bone series sa Netflix.

Bumuntong hininga ako. Nakakatanggal talaga ng stress ang mga movies na puno ng mahika.

" Ang cool talaga ng Sun summoner. Shini ship ko pa rin sila ni Darkling kahit na conflicted na ang opinion ko about his character" maiyak iyak na sabi ni Inej sa akin.

" I feel you Nej. But her bestfriend has always been with her since childhood at para sakin wala ng mas makakahigit pa roon" Nej just simply rolled her eyes at me, clearly not agreeing with my opinion kaya napatawa ako.

" Dito kana lang matulog Nej. Nakakamiss na rin kasi ang mga sleepovers natin. Tsk I can't wait for the others to come home. I'm going to be their greatest nuisance" I said as I laughed evilly. Napailing nalang si Nej sa sinabi ko.

Dumiretso na ako sa bathroom para magapaksipelyo samantalang si Inej naman ay nauna ng humiga sa kama ko.

I sighed. Buti pa siya hindi inaalala ang mga inaalala ko, kaya hayon nakatulog na kaagad unlike me. But one thing's for certain though, I'll never give up in finding answers and if I must, I'll surrender every possession I have para mahanap ang mga ito.

***