Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder (lesbian story)

Lesbian Crushes and Bulimia: A Diary on How I Acquired my Eating Disorder

Sunday 30th July 1989, Germany

Bought chocolate and a Wimpy at the station, sat around for ages listening to my walkman. Arrived at the work camp 5:35pm-an old theatre in need of renovation. The large, jolly German leader, Claus, showed me around. Most people had already arrived. 

Met Alex, the one other English girl. I like her. She's got a bit of class. For the evening meal we all had spaghetti and wine in the 'Taverna,' an underground room where we eat and relax. Talked a lot to a friendly bloke from Singapore, called Fred. 

Claus produced a 'Getting to know each other' questionnaire, which we filled in and passed around. As the evening went on, I found my eyes repeatedly drifting over to where Alex was sitting. I was looking at her long, thick, curly, brown hair and I wondered how I hadn't noticed it earlier. It struck me as hugely significant that we had both written 'Chinese' as our favourite food. 

There are about fifteen of us here, of different nationalities. We all sleep together on camp beds in a very large room.

Tuesday 1st August 1989, Germany

Broke down walls in the morning with Fred and Alex, using an electric drill and a massive hammer.

Thursday 3rd August 1989, Germany

Swept up dust with Alex in the morning. I asked her lots of questions. She called it an "interrogation."

Friday 4th August 1989, Germany

Most people have gone to a disco in town. Not my thing. Alex looked absolutely beautiful this evening, in a white cotton shirt and sequinned waistcoat.

Saturday 5th August 1989, Germany

Bought a grey sweatshirt in town, similar to the one Alex had bought to work in. It had struck me how completely beautiful she looked in something so ordinary.

Sunday 6th August 1989, Germany

We take it in turns, by nationality, to cook for the group. In the bathroom this evening I asked Alex if she would do some English cooking with me. She seemed enthusiastic. She said yes. She's beautiful.

Monday 7th August 1989, Germany

Sat next to Alex at lunchtime and we talked a lot-about square people and God. She's agnostic. We talked a lot in the afternoon, too, like how we form opinions of people. While we were talking we were throwing rubbish into skips. I referred to some people as being "harmless." 

"Am I harmless?" she wanted to know.

I replied that she wasn't.

And why? ... 

I told her that she could hurt me. I enjoyed the tension in the air. She said she thought I was playing games with her. 

I spent the evening in the Taverna. The usual people were there, including Alex. I decided to get drunk to see what would happen. 

Most of them were sitting around one table. I drank a beer very quickly at the bar and then had about the same at another table. Miracle, the American girl, kept laughing at me because I was wobbling and because I was pulling faces of disgust whilst drinking the beer. I hadn't finished my glass when Alberto, one of the Spanish boys, went to get me two beers to choose from. One I didn't like, so I dropped it on the floor. Not from a great height, but it smashed. I was the focus of attention. Then I knocked my glass over and all the beer ran onto the floor. I tried to pick up the glass and cut my little finger. I left it and Aimeé swept it up for me, which touched me.