love hate.

ONE : dead

I'm dead, Or at least i wanted to. I'm dead, emotionally dead.

I have no appetite, passion, or the will to live. Crying doesn't make it any better, crying shows that i still can feel something, even though it's not positive.

I'm gazing up my ceiling, dark, tall ceiling. I have no aspiration to do anything. 

It's 7 am Sunday, i haven't slept properly since that traumatic day. I lost everything, everyone, and my self. 

My parents would wake me up but i would just pretend i'm dead until i really am.

I'm just going to close my eyes and sleep again for a while, deeply wishing to never open them again.

I can still hear the air rushing, clocks ticking even though I'm closing my eyes.

I hear a loud ringtone blared, which startled me awake.

I jump out of my bed and turn it off. 

It's 7 am Monday, What I felt was just 5 minutes ago turns out to be a whole day. 

I need to get ready for school, and meet him again. 

Just the thought of him, made my spine shivered. 

Walking very slowly to the bathroom, until i arrive.

20 minutes later I'm done showering, 10 minutes of showering and another 10 minutes of attempting to end my self.

I wear my daily baggy clothes and a short, just to hide my bloating stomach. Maybe it's just a side effect. 

I stand  in front of the mirror. Whispering my daily affirmations.

"It's not my fault, it's his fault. I can't do anything about it." 

"it's not my fault, it's his fault. I can't do anything about it." 

"it's not-" 

I can't finish the sentence, because deep down inside my conscience it's my fault too. 

"NO IT'S HIS FAULT! IT'S HIS! HIS!! HIS FAULT!" I scream while water droplets won't stop coming out of my eyes.

I drop my self to the ground, sobbing, hugging myself.

My door barge open  by my mom, who sit beside me, rocking me slowly, front and back, front and back.

"Honey.. it has been two months.. please" My mom beg breathless. 

I can't stop my self.

"Okay, you haven't eat anything since yesterday" My mom sobs with me.

Then i stopped crying, just like that.

My mom stayed on the floor while i stand up and walk out from my room.

I could still hear her sobbing. But i couldn't care less.

I walk to school, cars driving past by while i was walking. This negative thought, and a flashback kept hitting me. I hate cars.

I am so tense, so when a lady touched my shoulder i jumped, "What!" 

The lady is stunt, "whoa uhh.. i- i was i was about um "

"I'm sorry!" I apologize i don't know if i was sincere or not.

The lady didn't even get to finish her sentence, but i left. 

I felt to cry again, then i did, in the side road.

Without reason.

People who walk past me was staring at me, like i was mentally ill.

Maybe i am.