love hate.

FIVE: control

I'm home and no one is there. Probably because that nurse call them to go there, but i hated waiting so i just walk home. My stomach is rumbling because i barely eat anything.

Maybe that's why i blacked out, no wonder.

I walk up stair to my room, the vibe is dark up here. I enjoy it.

I open my door, and drop everything i had on my body. As i lay down to my bed, with my- road dirty clothes- i still feel nothing but i felt in control again for a moment.

These past couple of months is just full of my parents telling me that i should eat, sleep, eat my meds, wake up, talk to them, go for a walk, make new friends, they even force me to go to a mall with a bunch of money.

I refuse to do any of that, even in school, the principle always makes an exception if i felt not going to school assembly because i was pregnant at the time. 

Same with Levi, we were living in the same roof for almost 5 months and all i had to say is for him was to clean up the room. I literally have no control of my body, thoughts, food, rest and even love.

But just now, i felt in control maybe because today is not like the usual day i had. 

That reminds me, that guy- Dylan, he gave his number. He told me to call him when i'm home.

Then again he is a nobody to me, i felt confused of what i should do.

Reaching to my jacket left pocket, i take out a crumbled paper.

Give it a second though, i hit Dylan's number on my keypad- still thinking whether should i call him or not.

I give out a big sighs and throw my phone away. I turn my back to the side and slept like a baby.

The next day, i felt nauseous. So i bought a donut, and take 2 bites. I am trying to lose all this baby fat out of me, so i didn't feel like she was still in there.

My parents yelled at me for leaving the hospital just like that, and they kept on asking who payed for my necessaries.

The only answer i gave them was just a shrug. I didn't feel like talking, when they yelled at me awake.

Anyway, it's 8 am. I have a morning class, which suck by the way. I didn't even look at the board, i just listen.

People keep staring at me when i walk in the hallway, it's like a year ago where people would follow me around, just to become friends with me.

But, this look on everybody's face was like they didn't believe i'm still here. I was the biggest mean bitch at school but somehow people still come and talk to me.

Levi loved me for it, and i loved him for loving it. Now? not so much.

Someone finally came up to me, " Hey.. are you okay? do you need to talk?" he said, i look at him in a weird way.

"You are Cleo right? you had a huge glow down thought you weren't in the same school as the rest of us" He points to the 3 people group behind him.

They all look so clean and umm, may i say? Nerdy? As i was saying, no one even dared to look at me for too long in the eyes, but these nerds look at me like.. i am disabled.

"yeah it's okay Cleo, we are here for you" One of the guys in the back said, and the rest cheer for him agreeing.

I rolled my eyes, continue walking but i still feel like they're following me.

So i stop, i am very much tired to do what i do back then. But now since everyone seem to have their attention on me again i had no choice.

I turn my back and gave them the look.

They pop their eyes, a little terrified but still smiling.

"You okay? Cleo? um Cleo?-" Before the person in front of me finish talking i snap.

"Look at me in the eyes again, try to look at me in the eyes!" I fold my arms, they coughs to toughen themselves.

"Cleo.. we just wa- wanted to help.." One of the guys in the back chirped back.

" In what way do i look like i want you help?" I said it while stepping one step to the front, they all move back.

They are looking down at their shoes, "talk to me again don't even think for a second that i'm going to let you unscathed." I say it with low flat tone, 

I even heard people chattering saying 'Cleo is back..', i heard even some clap at me, then they stop when i look at them,

I see Levi standing in front of his locker, smirking with his broken nose i gave him yesterday. I smirk back.

I am not back, but i have made my presence known.

Then somehow i have someone towering over me, i look up, and it's the brown curly hair guy.

" Cleo.. that was a little bit mean don't you think? and um.. why didn't you call me yesterday i was worried sick.. " He tried to say something until i touch his arm,

Looking up at him dead in the eyes, i see his eyes is so cheerful and i would hate to see him ruined by what i have to say, so i tone it down a little bit by saying,

"Hey, i don't know you Dylan and you are a stranger. So don't put this on me if i don't believe you for saying you go to school with me yesterday" I lied i definitely knew he went to school with me, but it is for the best.

"and i did saved your number, to thankyou.. and anyway thankyou", i said it very flat, which i didn't mean to.

 Even when toned down, my sentence still made him looked hurt. 

"oh yeah i didn't thought of that, but now you know. so.. um yeah," He left. 

Looking uncomfortable. I feel bad of course but if he listen to the sentence i put together without toning it down, i don't think he will want to be a friend .

Not that i do, but if he does want to, i don't think he will.

Anyway focusing my lane to class again, still feeling nauseous- but i felt in control again.

I'm happy that i am. 

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