Identity | Depressed Todoroki (Short Story)

4 | Hatred

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, purging, or eating disorders.

Although Todoroki detested the idea of purging, he couldn't deny that both his body and mind were begging him to empty his stomach. So, with pursed lips, he lumbered into his bathroom and soon found himself on his knees. Every impulse he had screamed at him to make haste and expel the excess calories from his body. Yet, he hesitated as he stared at his hand.

It sounds awful, Todoroki attempted to rationalize. I don't want to push my fingers down. No. That's disgusting... I'd just be forcing another label down my throat. But how else would I get this out? Hurry up. Stop complaining.

Todoroki parted his lips to swallow his fingers, but with a grimace, he bit his lower lip instead. He could feel as his heart bashed around his chest, and he could feel the blazing warmth of his skin.

I need to do this, he sibilated internally. I ate so much. I'm so fucking fat. Throw it up. But I shouldn't have eaten so much in the first place. I hate myself. I let myself end up here. It's entirely my fault. Damn. I hate myself and everything I've done. I forced this pain onto myself, and now, the only way to get rid of it is to go through another cycle of pain. It's like pointing a revolver at yourself, spinning the cylinder full of bullets, and forcing another bullet into the empty gaps after each shot out of habit. No matter what point in the cycle or the cylinder you land on, it hurts, and it hurts the same either way. I knew, so why did I...

Without truly being aware of it, Todoroki shoved his fingers down his throat. He could remember the repulsive sensations that poked at the back of his throat until he started gagging. Even so, he was desperate to force himself to vomit up everything he'd allowed himself to eat. For quite a while, the most he had achieved was gagging up his saliva-coated fingers, but rather than finding his resolve to break free of his self-destructive behaviors, Todoroki instead found his resolve to successfully self-induce his own vomiting.

I hate this, he thought once he finally began to vomit instead of gag. This is horrible. This is absolutely horrible. But I can't stop. I just want this out of me. It's like I'm hoping to be able to throw up all my other problems as well. It feels good to get this all out, but this process is disgusting. It burns. But no matter how much I throw up, the hatred will remain because I'm still making myself throw up. I hate what I see in the mirror. It's fat. It's ugly. It's disgusting. I hate it. I fucking hate myself. He hung his head as he caught his breath. Why...can't I just be happy with myself? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just be satisfied with who I am? I don't want to be me. I'm just a worthless burden because of who I am and the problems I have...

After voiding himself of everything he mustered up the energy to expel, Todoroki shakily stood up and soon washed his hands. "I'm so useless and selfish," he hissed at his reflection while webs of water swam between his fingertips. "I'd be so much happier if I was thin. But I'm not. I'm so fat... I have to fix what's wrong with me. But nothing ever works. Is this a sign that I don't deserve to be happy because all I'm good for is fucking everything up and not being able to enjoy anything because I'm just that selfish?" He could feel a twinge of pain in his heart as it sank into his stomach. "I wish I could be someone else so other people don't have to put up with me."