Identity | Depressed Todoroki (Short Story)

6 | Restart

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, purging, or eating disorders.

Todoroki finally pushed himself out of his futon after being scolded by Endeavor for being "inexcusably lazy and disrespectful." He felt a familiar feeling of emptiness crawling through his chest, but the desire to sob pulsed through his body after having been brutally scolded. Crumbling to the floor, Todoroki curled his fingers into the tatami mats beneath his knees and palms. Fractured sobs escaped his lips, but regardless of how much he wanted to cry out his feelings that he was uncertain of how to express, he was unable to.

I want to be like my friends, but every time I try to learn from them, all I learn is that I'm too fucking useless to be able to be remotely like them. They make everyone happy. They're always smiling. They can smile through their pain like the pain isn't there. I... I always do the wrong thing and fuck everything up by existing. Even when I try my best to be the person I want to be, I have nothing to show for it. I'm still the same. I just want to erase this person I hate so much to be the ideal person everyone else wants. I already know just how awful of a person I am, but hearing that confirmation from someone else cuts like a knife. But if I keep trying through all my shame and failures, surely, it'll be worth the pain, right?

Shaking his head, Todoroki lifted himself up to his knees. I just need a moment of all this being dampened and subdued. Just something quick. I don't care what it is, as long as it gives me an immediate effect. Damn. I'll just eat in small portions. A little bit of everything. Sample it all and see what works best, even if it falls under a bad category. He stood up to his feet and sluggishly dragged himself into the kitchen, despite the fact that all he truly wanted to do was go back to bed. I know I'm going to regret this just as much as I did yesterday, but...immediate relief. I can't help it. I can't stop myself when I know it's something.

Todoroki plucked an array of minuscule portions of food so that the total amount of calories he'd be consuming would be less than average—also significantly less than the day prior. Yet, as he fed himself with his unhealthy coping mechanisms again, he swiftly began to crave more. His stomach growled at him for a more substantial meal, but he shook his head and slowly ate what he'd prepared for himself.

No more, he told himself with a soured expression. I know it's just going to make me hate myself more. But I'm still hungry. I want more. Enough...

Yet, while Todoroki stared down at his half-eaten meal, his father approached him and spat, "Is that all you're eating? Don't be ridiculous, Shouto. You need more than that. You should know better. You've lost weight, and your performance has been on a decline." He crossed his arms at his son.

Why now? I don't need to hear your input on this. You don't have to tell me about the flaws I already know I have. It burns, yet I feel so empty. I want to lose weight, even if, realistically, I'm burning off muscle mass. I still feel fat. Seeing the numbers on the scale makes me want to vomit. Fuck it. I'll just...stomach it all again. I hate myself for doing this. But now, I'm fucking sad and embarrassed. I still just want a quick fix.

Todoroki ignored reality to capitalize on the brief, brilliant moments of respite surging through his body from each bite of food he took. Before long, he swallowed up his plethora of regrets to produce the insignificant yet immediate and all-encompassing effects that he craved after tasting them again. Everything he'd forced into himself was muddled into one gray epithet.

Why does it feel like I'm caught in this endless cycle of wanting something and then being hypocritical about it but still continuing on with those same ideals? pondered Todoroki as he hobbled to his bathroom. I know what I'm doing and why, yet I'm doing exactly the opposite of what I should ideally be doing. It's just too difficult to work towards an ideal goal that's so far away and hard to achieve when there are so many other ones that are so close but that come with such ugly consequences.

But the small goals are never enough, so I keep going back for the immediate doses of relief, but I get torn apart by the same consequences, and then I restart the cycle all over again. He stared at his splayed digits. Just like this morning, and just like now... With a grimace, he repeatedly jammed his fingers down his throat. The feeling of having an empty stomach after purging is too enticing. Getting all of this out of me is too great of a reward for me to pass up. And yet, I still feel so guilty and ashamed for doing this. I don't want anyone to know...I do this to myself. Gagging, he paused to take a deep breath. I'm the only one at fault for this all. I did this all to myself. But I don't want to be myself. I just...want to be the person I want to be, but to do that, I have to purge this identity.

Once Todoroki finished vomiting up the same failed coping mechanism as he'd previously forced down his throat, he washed up and curled himself into a ball against the wall. "I didn't even do my homework," he whispered to himself, chagrined at his abrupt actualization. "It's just too much... I can't look at it. I should've gotten it over with. I hate myself... I just won't eat tomorrow. So damn pathetic... I'm...better off dead, aren't I?"