Identity | Depressed Todoroki (Short Story)

5 | Chagrin

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, purging, or eating disorders.

Enveloped by the comforting warmth of his futon, Todoroki attempted to ignore how his throat burned from purging. Yet, as his mind forced him to recall his filthy actions from what he determined was his own selfishness, he grimaced from his feelings. Shame seared his stomach as he twisted around in his futon.

I made a bad decision on impulse, he scolded himself. Why is it that every attempt I make to try and be happy again just makes me hurt more? I kept eating to distract myself, and I threw up everything I ate because I regretted eating. I'm embarrassed. My flaws embarrass me. He buried his face into his pillow. I am relieved that I threw all that up, but I'm just as embarrassed at the fact that I went as far as to make myself do that when I knew I'd also end up beating myself up for that too.

It's like I can't do anything right because everything I do somehow feels so wrong. I'm lost. I've been trying to find the 'me' that I want to be, but all I can do is make an image in my head while all my efforts end up being futile. I want to be everyone else. But then, who am I really? His eyes fluttered open, and he found himself staring vacantly at the wall. I don't have the energy to do my homework. I don't even have the energy to get out of my futon. Why am I like this?

"I wish I wasn't such a disappointment," Todoroki muttered to himself before slowly succumbing to sleep.

Unable to discern whether or not his dreams were lucid dreams or simply his imagination in an awakened yet unconscious state, Todoroki drifted through what seemed like a myriad of shattered dreams. Once he awoke, he lifted his leaden eyelids and glanced at the time; he still had an hour before his alarm would blare in his ears. Sighing in his groggy state, he closed his eyes to sleep for the remainder of his available time, but he found himself turning over in his futon instead.

I slept for about nine hours, he sighed to himself. Despite that, I'm still so tired. I'm tired of doing anything. Living is just exhausting. No matter how trivial the task is, I just don't have the energy. I could do nothing but sleep, and I'd still feel perpetually tired. Much to my own chagrin, I just...collapse from exhaustion when all I've done is make even more of a fool out of myself. He clutched his aching stomach. Even just imagining myself having to admit to doing that... I can't. I'm too ashamed to admit it. I'm too disappointed in myself for doing it. I'm too selfish to deserve to burden anyone else with my problems that I brought upon myself.

Todoroki's alarm pierced the tranquil morning with its screeching, but after turning it off, he simply laid in his futon. He dug through his mind for a reason to get up, but that same mind deemed his choices negligible.

No one would want to see someone like me anyway. Whenever my friends are kind to me, it just hurts... I don't want that. Please stop. I don't deserve any of it. Todoroki shook his head as a deluge of shame choked his breaths. And it's so difficult to pretend like I'm fine all the time. I don't want them to waste their time on someone so worthless. I want to be happy, but I don't deserve to have it handed to me. Tears began to seep into Todoroki's pillow while his breaths were splintered by his thoughts. All I do is lie in bed and cry. I'm so ashamed of it, but I don't have any real reason to get out of bed. I know I'm fucking pathetic. I know... I'm so self-centered that this is probably what happiness is, but I'm just too selfish to see the positives in anything. If this is what happiness is, then I don't want to be happy.