Not Sure Yet

Short Life Story

Dear anyone,

Two years ago I started to question my sexuality.

I was going to a public middle school where there were a lot of openly bisexual or gay people, so I felt comfortable with sharing to my best friend what I was going through. There were also a lot of friends who I could ask for help if I wanted.

But I was still scared because I wasn't how my parents/family would react if I told them that I was bisexual. My mother is a fairly devout Catholic who goes to Church every Sunday, and my father works at the Catholic school which I now attend.

I was only 14 at the time, so I figured that wouldn't help them believe in my decision. Because of this age problem I waited until last year, when I started to attend the Catholic school where my dad works. Unfortunately, because it is a Catholic school, I knew (know) that if I came out it could cause problems with teachers as well as my parents.

Then I met a senior who had come out as gay at the school and was doing just fine, so he gave me a confidence boost. I decided to come out, and I was excited and scared to do so. Little did I know that all I should have been was scared.

About half way into the school year, before winter break, I told one of my close friends that I was bisexual, and she was okay with it. At this point I should have told more friends before my parents. But instead, I told my mom. This was a huge mistake on my part.

I figured my mom would be more lenient than my dad, because I had heard from my dad multiple times what he thought about gays: he said they were creepy and just plain disgusting. My mom had a tolerance level for gays, though, so I told her first.

Late at night after one school day I came up to her and said I had something to say. I told her thatI knew that I liked guys, but I knew that I liked girls too. She just told me that I was probably going through a phase. She said that the current social view on the subject was affecting me, and that I should focus on men instead. I cried and tried to say that she was wrong, and that I came to this decision by myself, but she wouldn't listen so I just went to my room. She never told my dad what happened, as far as I know, because this is something I'm sure he would talk to me about.

My next move was incredibly stupid, because I was so afraid now of what my dad would say compared to my mom. I decided to come out on facebook, because I knew that my dad had just opened an account about a month before. I explained how I was bisexual in my post and I got a lot of positive responses- until my dad came online and saw it. He admonished the previous commentors, saying that they should mind their own business when it comes to the mistake of someone else's daughter, and that he should be the only one to talk to me about this.

He did talk to me about it. He was incredibly angry and disappointed in me, and said that I was too young to be deciding anything like this, and that I should get more experience first.

I just agreed with him because I was so sad and terrified, and I took the post of off facebook forever.

There were still people who knew about my situation- minus my father's input- who supported me. But this was literally only 5 people, and only two of these went to my Catholic school. Those two were the gay guy I mentioned, amd his sister.

So, I completely dropped the subject for that year and never really came out in the way I wanted. My parents believe that I am "normal" and straight, and I was just being a stupid teenager last year.

But I know that I am bisexual. I've known it for the last two and a half years, and I know that it won't just go away. It's who I am.

I just don't think that my family could ever accept that. So I don't know what to do now. I could pretend for the rest of my life that I'm normal, and let half of the chances I'll get at love slip by me, or I could come out for real just like so many people before me and alienate my family.

All I know is that I saw a beautiful girl in the bookstore the other day, and I wanted to talk to her, and maybe even try to ask her out. But I couldn't. Can't.

After all, I'm only a stupid 16-year old, right?