not so ugly

my only light

i'm sorry i didn't tell you the truth. i'm sorry i didn't show you the true me. i apologize that i could never be my true self around you and i'm sorry i couldn't be truly happy. the truth would've led to more truth, the truth i couldn't have taken, and it would've broken me even more. but that didn't happen. because i didn't tell it to you.

i never lied to you. unless, of course, if the lack of truth to you is a lie, then in that case i'm guilty. But i'm not, i'm innocent in that regard. you are too. you never did anything wrong. i did. That i am guilty of. i will always be sinful and it will always have my remembrance. it will forever be ingrained in my heavy sighs and sleepless nights. those of which aren't your fault either. you were never at fault.

i'm sorry i couldn't stay. i couldn't bear the thought of you anymore. i thought my head would explode, and my heart would beat itself out of my chest. i am a silly fool, i could've stayed. i could've stayed. but there's no turning back now. i've already turned my back on you, and that is unforgivable. if you are to never want to see me again, that's fine. i completely understand. and if you do, it's safe to say you know where to find me. and if you come and I'm not there, there is no reason to be concerned. i just needed a break. a break from my break. Isn't that laughable?

i'm a coward for running. running at a time when you might have needed me the most. i didn't know, and i will never know. Because i ran away. i shut everyone out of myself. i locked the doors and boarded the windows. when you shut off the only source of light, it is quite dark. did you know that? i hope you never have to experience that. you were my source of light, and i shut you off. how are you doing, someone may ask? dark, that's how I'm doing. i've lost my only light.

i don't expect to ever see you again. you may laugh, or shed a tear at this, but it's true. i know it, you know it. it's fine. you will meet new people and so will i. i will continue to shut people out and you will continue to be the source of people's light, the hope in their mind filled with darkness from the boarded windows and bolted doors. i hope they don't leave you like i did. that's my only wish. i'll remember you forever.