not so ugly

smile for the camera; the feeling's fake

it isn't the same. honestly, it won't ever be the same again. not for a long time. a very time. i sat on the couch, my head blaring with a headache, reading over our text messaging conversations we've had today. my phone's notification sound goes off and I open up your text and read over it, wishing i was doing literally anything else. go finish that movie, my mind tells me. what about that book? you have biology and geometry homework you haven't finished... I ignore all of the thoughts and try to focus on the topic we're discussing. something about a tv show that i brought up. i wanted to leave my phone on the charger and walk into the living room and finish the horror movie i was watching but i felt obligated to reply to all of your texts. but that's a common thing i feel with a lot of people, not just you. and somehow, that makes it feel worse.

i remember not three months ago i would die every time you messaged me. it was a healing sensation. one that made me feel sped up but slowed down at the same time. like some type of mix of drugs that people take. it'd make me forget about everything around me and i would just escape to this place of happiness; a place of elation and ecstasy. i honestly missed that feeling. the feeling of being dedicated and in love. how i terribly miss it. 

what changed? did i change? was it you? or was it the disturbance of time passing by without anything happening that drifted us apart? maybe it was the universe that changed.

i can feel myself forcing it sometimes. forcing the smile on my face and forcing the feelings i think i should feel. which is funny; sometimes i force the feelings down and sometimes i force them to be there. the thing is, i don't know what i want. i don't know what you want. you don't know what you want. but somewhere along the way, i tried to convinced myself that my life wasn't about what you wanted. and after a while i didn't have to try anymore, it was just there. 

at least, most of the time. i feel myself tiptoeing around you. like if i say the wrong thing you'd abandon me and leave me for the wolves and dogs. this week, i seem to be teetering very close to the edge of what's uncomfortable and what's okay to say. but is that such a bad thing? it only means that how you see me doesn't affect me like it once did. i can say anything to you. i can be myself and not who i thought you wanted me to be. what i thought you wanted to see in me. but what if you stopped seeing me a long time ago? what if you never saw me at all?