"What. On God's grey earth are you doing".
Asmodeus perked up from the desk and turned to his wife, who was standing at the doorstep behind him. He flashed a gleefully manic smile.
"Making pipe bombs!"
"Right".
"See, all my attempts to exterminate those little vermin have been more or less not successful, furthermore I figured hey! Can't go wrong with some pipe bombs!''
Odelia pinched the bridge of her nose. "Pipe bo- how are you even making that".
"I'm all stocked up on nitroglycerin and random wires and debris i found in a dumpster and I'm just going all out on them. I'm going to blow these miscreants up to bits these bitches are gonna be crawling around gathering all their individual fingers and toes one by one-"
"Asmodeus. It's 3:00pm. Come back to bed".
"I will once I finish these bombs my immortal beloved I just gotta troll these fucking assholes Epic style"
Odelia sighed and shook her head. "First the catholic cult", she began, "now this. You got me fucked up"
"Oh come on this is just a few measly little explosives do you remember when we burned down the Vatican together?"
She looked at the wall and smiled reminiscently. "ahhh those were some good times. Why can't we go back to burning down manmade monuments and then fucking in their ruins decades after? Not making pipe bombs to mail to some fucking millenials like youre Ted Kaczynski or some shit".
"Actually I if you think about it none of them are millenials they were all born before sliced bread became a thing"
"You're being insane and not in a sexy way. I'm going back to sleep". She closed the door and left.
Asmodeus turned his head back to his desk and looked at the ingredients that lay before him. This was his legacy. This was his revenge. You humiliate me with your Minecraft servers and your words of fake demonias and pomegranates, you beat the shit out of me and give me Tom&Jerry-esque injury physics, well...This is what you get, he thought to himself. You get bombs.
---
It was 4:00AM sharp and Asmodeus was standing menaicngly in front of a house. Inside that house Ilya and Storm and Cecil and Rose were playing Ονομα Ζωο Φυτο or some other gay shit. If he wasn't able to kill them by any means he would at least injure them severely. He never intended to kill Cecil after all except for that one time where they had that little cat fight in the 1880s where Cecil ripped his arm off but hey that's all water under the bridge they're best friends now!!1! Whether Cecil likes it or not. The other three can perish and immediately descend to the frozen lakes of the ninth circle of Hell where they belong.
He was about to fling the precisely 27 pipe bombs that he had built through some open window (he hadn't really thought this through to be honest) when he suddenly heard the very familiar motor of a 1964 Ford convertible approach his perimeter. His limbs went stiff with cringe and he cursed every God under his breath. The convertible honked twice and stopped behind him, blasting Robot Rock by Daft Punk.
"HEY OLD MAN HOW'S THE WIFE BY THE WAY WHAT ARE YOUDOING STANDING IN THIS COMPLETELY RANDOM NEIGHBORHOOD", Mirza the also vampire tried to yell above the daft punk coming out of their car radio.
"Oh hEYYYYYYYYY Mirza hahahaha ha ha nothing much just doing the usual", Asmodeus laughed nervously, almost sweating blood.
"The usual being trespassing?", they lowered their sunglasses and took a better look at Asmodeus standing in a driveway.
"........................................................................Yes".
"That's what I like to hear. Asmodeus you never change you old fuck". They pulled over and turned the engine off and proceeded to step out of the car.
"Why do you keep calling me old I'm centuries younger than you and whyareyousteppingoutofthecarwhatareyoudoing"
"I just wanna see what's going on man I like to be involved. Ouuuuuh are those precisely 27 pipe bombs you have there", They asked and pointed to the precisely 27 pipe bombs.
"Yes and I am going to catapult them through that window over there where these 4 liabilities are sitting and blow them up because they b- I lost to them very respectfully and while maintaining my dignity in a Duel", he scrambled.
"Okie dokie I don't really give a shit but I'll help you throw them cause my appointment with my accountant got cancelled and I have the whole night free", Mirza answered and they both began scooping up the bombs and preparing to throw them.
Meanwhile inside the house those 4 motherfuckers were too bust playing Ονομα Ζωο Φυτο to hear the two senior citizens conspiring in the driveway.
"Θαλασσιος ελεφαντας doesn't count as an animal starting with θ Storm you fucking troglodyte", said Ilya who was getting too heated over the game for some reason.
"How does it not count it literally starts with the letter"
"The word θαλασσιος which characterizes the animal starts with it but the animal itself starts with an E so IT DOESNT COUNT"
"This bitch gonna start barking", Rose said and finished her 67th cigarette of the hour.
"Excuse me do not call my boyfriend a bitch or I will have to accordion you too", Storm warned and then turned back to Ilya who has evidently started barking. "ΘΑΛΑΣΣΙΟΣ ΕΛΕΦΑΝΤΑΣ is literally the whole ass name of the animal otherwise it's just a regular fucking elephant this is why we don't play board games together last time when we played μάντεψε ποιός you threatened to pack your shit and move to Az's house"
"Ok fair"
"Imma be real with you guys I wrote θαλιγκαρι", said Cecil. "Also I'm getting a really weird ominous vibe suddenly for some reason you know that weird ominous vibe you get when precisely 27 pipe bombs are about to fly through your open window?"
"That literally has never happened to any of u-"
Suddenly the aforementioned pipe bombs found their way into the room all at once. Within split seconds, like that quicksilver scene in that xmen movie, just as Cecil ducked and Rose turned her head to look at the window, and as Ilya was inhaling his way into a scream, Storm had jumped forward and unhinged his jaw, swallowing all of the 27 bombs in the style of shaggy from scooby doo swallowing a comically large sandwich. The 3 seated individuals watched in surprise and terror as all of the bombs went off at once in a muffled BOOM inside Storm's stomach, revealing thathe also had the ability to simulate Tom&Jrtty-esque injury physics. He burped a small cloud of smoke then turned to face them. "Well frankly i don't know what the fuck that was just now".
The two old vampires stood watching the window with their hands on their hips, waiting for the titan sized explosion that was supposed to happen, but after a few minutes they eventually figured out shit wasn't gonna detonate at this point.
Mirza stood there only slightly amused. "Huh", they exclaimed. "That's weird. You'd think they wouldve exploded by now".
Asmodeus threw his arms down in defeat. He had nothing left in him anymore. He'd just walk home in shame and take a 6 year nap to forget about his shattered dignity.
"Welp!", Mirza turned to look at him. "Wanna fuck?"
Asmodeus just kept staring emptily at that fully intact, unexploded house.
"Yeah sure what the absolute fuck ever"
YOU ARE READING
asmodeus gets hatecrimed by a bunch of gay millenials
Horrori have so much studying to do
