The time was 2 ante meridiem. This is usually the time where the world has gotten quiet. No common obligations and responsibilities for the average person, as they've gone home and retreated to the warm, womb-like state of dormancy.
The perfect time for a vampire to come out and fuck around for a while.
Asmodeus Munokatastrofeas burst his coffin door open and slowly rose to his feet. He pulled the thick, velvet drapes of his swag gothic house that he doesn't pay taxes for, and stared out into the night.
"I need to go visit Evil Walmart to buy tahini", he thought to himself.
Odelia, who had been just chilling on a chair making earrings out of baby teeth and reading his mind the whole time, spoke absent mindedly. "Make sure you get grapefruits as well".
"Why would we need grapefruits? We don't eat fruit".
"I like to throw them at my victims before killing them, I try to break at least one of their bones with each grapefruit I throw".
"God that is so fucking hot. But anyways I must depart now the items aren't going to purchase themselves! or so i'm told". And with that, he was gone.
As he was walking down the street, his demonia swing 230 boots stomping on the sidewalk, he heard a shout from behind him.
"YO GRANDPA WHATS GOOD"
He turned around wondering who he'll have to murder when he saw two 25 year olds standing like 10 meters away from him.
"Who the fuck are you?"
One of the two specimen, an admittedly huge individual with long hair and eyes like he'd been through the nine circles of hell twice, suddenly looked down.
"Your demonias are fake. fake as fuck", he said and shook his head.
Asmodeus widened his eyes in disbelief. The gall of this fucking kid.
"I don't know what you're talking about these demonias are real I got them from the official website you fucking harlequin"
"We know a real pair of goth boots when we see one", said the second man, who appeared remarkably shorter and smaller in comparison to his companion. He had horns. Well that was interesting. Asmodeus felt relieved he at least wasn't being harassed by a pair of human vermin.
"Listen gentlemen I appreciate your concern regarding the legitimacy of my footwear but Evil Walmart closes in a few hours. Now leave me the fuck alone my wife wants her grapefruits"
"How the hell you gonna go get grapefruits dressed like the men's section of Naya and Piu? This isn't new york old man you can't just get away with wearing a silly frilly cravat like you're miles fucking edgeworth. Weren't you bullied like the rest of us? Is that why you got too comfortable?"
Asmodeus was fucking shocked. These random fucking people got out of their house at 2AM and chose violence. This whole experience was surreal.
"Make no mistake you fucking fruit loops, the simple schoolyard bullying you're referring to is nothing in comparison to what I have faced. You were ostracized for doing the naruto run i the hallways. My uncle cut off my hands".
"Boohoo how are you gonna jack off now", the tall person mocked.
Asmodeus just kinda stared at him for a few seconds.
"I eventually sewed them back on but in the meantime your mother was helping me out", he replied.
"Jokes on you nosferatu I don't have one of those"
"You'd think he cut off your ass cheeks cause you're flatter than a fucking envelope", the horned man said.
The tall one nodded. "It's like someone took a rolling pin and used it specifically on your ass", he added.
"Or lack thereof", the horned one added even further.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME", Asmodeus yelled. He was now starting to feel insecure. It was no secret that kids these days are fucking unhinged but this...this crosses a line.
"Listen you apfel strudel fuckaroo my name is Ilya and this guy here's name is Storm"
"OKAY???? AND MY NAME IS LIGHT DRIZZLE??? I DONT GIVE A SHIT???"
"What if we yoinked one of his hands away and played catch", Storm murmured to Ilya.
"YOU W- tread carefully", he warned and made the mistake of pointing at them, because Storm had used his swag OP abilities to grab his hand and practically pull it off its stitches.
"!!!! GIVE THAT SHIT BACK WTF", he screamed but it was already too late. Storm and Ilya were not only playing catch but had now pulled tennis rackets seemingly out of nowhere and were having the time of their fucking lives tossing Asmodeus's severed hand around like a tennis ball.
He was about to intervene, when suddenly another voice was heard.
"HEY!"
The three of them turned around to see none other than Cecil and Rose standing in the distance and watching the entire scene go down.
"GABRIE- I MEAN CECIL! WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS RIGHT NOW! Thank satan, these HOOLIGANS are making me recall REPRESSED TRAUMATIC EVENTS by PLAYING SPORTS with my SEVERED HAND surely YOU will help me-"
Cecil raised his palm, signaling him to be quiet. He stood still for an uncomfortable amount of seconds, before speaking very quietly:
"Get his other hand".
YOU ARE READING
asmodeus gets hatecrimed by a bunch of gay millenials
Terrori have so much studying to do
