Eliot Strange and the Prince of the Apocalypse

25) Stranger in my House

I arrive home exhausted with legs that feel like wet spaghetti noodles. It is almost dark. I sneak behind the homes on the opposite side of the street from my house and look in every house but cannot find the prince. Dammit, he does not do anything I tell him to do. It is almost like he is trying to get caught.

I am standing on the front porch of the home across from mine when I see flickers of light from my house. I approach my home and peek in the window, and I see a man with a towel around his waist and what I can only call carrot red hair.

I pull out my gun and open the door and step inside.

"My lady, are you going to shoot me?" says Carrot Top who is actually chopping carrots for - is that a salad? I lower the gun. The prince continues in his mocking tone. "You just missed my shower. Are you angry with me about that? Did you mean to peruse me in a compromising position again?"

I play along in my own British accent because I refuse to be riled by his arrogance. "Oh dear me, I missed a reenactment of our first very brief encounter. I shall cry from sorrow."

"Your mockery of my accent is culturally offensive to me, my lady."

"Well," I say, back in my southern drawl, "I told you to quit using the accent with me."

"Never, my lady."

"What happened to your hair? You look like a carrot-topped male stripper in that towel."

"That also is offensive to me, my lady. It was the only dye I could find in the house. I am trying to be in disguise."

"Disguise? by dressing like a..." I look down at his towel. "By dressing like a clown?"

"My lady does not like?"

"Well, maybe if you had dyed the beard too."

"So you still like my beard? I was going to shave it."

"You are infuriating," I say. "And I don't care what you do with your beard or hair."

"I know, and you hate me."

I pause here because I never apologized to him. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean it. I was upset about losing Steven and Nana."

He does not say anything at first and then, "I am sorry too. My behavior has been quite boorish. It is just that my life has been quite off kilter since the day of the attack. I have enjoyed our flirtatious banter. Our repartee is much like a fencing match. A feint, a counterattack, a fleche, a parry. I miss the competition. You are quite enchanting and a worthy opponent. I salute you." He salutes, then bows.

Flirt? Did he say flirt? Is that what we've been doing? No one told me. I have not brushed my teeth or my hair in two days. He is smiling at me in that disarming way he has.

"Bullshit," I say. "You are completely full of bullshit."

"Yes, my lady. That has certainly been said of me."

"And put some clothes on, Prince Charming, we need to talk."

When the prince comes back in the pair of Steven's sweat pants from last night and a too small t-shirt of his, I guess he can read my reaction because he says, "I am sorry again, but I washed my only set of trousers, uh pants, and shirt. They are drying."

"No problem," I say.

"Why don't you go clean up, and I will make us dinner?"

Prince Charming can cook? He might be perfect. Too bad there is not much in the food bank. "Good luck with that unless it is apples," I say. "And where did you get carrots?"